Infertility vs. Adoption
I think it’s human nature to want what we can’t have. But what happens when the thing someone wants more than anything else in the world, and can’t have, is a baby?
I understand the frustration, the hurt, the yearning, every single month. I understand the crying, the aching, while your friends get pregnant when their husbands look at them sideways.
I get it. I know. I was there.
But what I don’t understand is when this need for a child starts to cast a bitter, hateful, angry shadow on your life.
If you want a child so badly, so badly that it has become the focus of your whole life, so badly that it’s making you bitter and angry towards those who do have this wonderful new life, so bad you refuse to celebrate others joy – why not adopt? There are so many children out there needing wonderful, loving parents. Why not consider this as an option if you’re so desperate to have a child?
Both hubby and I were adopted. It’s a path we started to walk before I finally did get pregnant. Just because you didn’t give birth to a child doesn’t make them any less yours.
After the pregnancy, labour complications, and now the genetic issues we have had with Vista, we’ve ruled out having any more children of our own. Some days this makes me sad. But then I remember, if I really do want another child, I can have one. All I have to do is start the paperwork.
Well said. I think a lot of people are either afraid of adoption or don't even consider it. When I think about all the kiddos out there in need of a loving home I think about adopting to grow my family instead of having another one of my “own”.
Jenn Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Lisa, I agree and I’m not sure why people are so afraid of adoption. Perhaps it’s fear of the unknown? I had a cousin who spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments but they absolutely refused to consider adoption (even after the fertility treatments didn’t work) because her husband wanted a child that was ‘his’. So sad.
Very well written. I think some are fearful that they can't love a child that they did not give birth to. That is crap. You are an amazing mom for all you went through and you still stay so strong! Thanks for sharing.
Jenn Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Thanks Sara. What you say is true. I always find that funny because I know many, many, mothers who had a hard time bonding with their babies after giving birth to them. And in my family I have a brother who’s adopted, like me, and one who’s not. Family is family, though, blood or no.
I really really like this post. My aunt gave her baby up for adoption, and she has a wonderful life. I also have friends that just recently adopted a baby, and she has made their family complete!
Jenn Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Thanks Jennifer. Giving up a baby was such a huge, selfless thing for your aunt do. So many birth mothers are afraid they’ll be judged harshly for it, but like you said for your friends – that adopted child can complete a family. I know in my case, I certainly wouldn’t have had the opportunities in life that I did, had I not been adopted.
I just found your page through a blog search. I am also the mom of a child with complete Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum. He was diagnosed with ACC by a CT scan when he was four months old. I am so glad that you were finally able to get a diagnosis for your little one.
We share another thing in common with one another…as we have both traveled the infertility path.
Am enjoying reading your site.
I have a website about Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum I created several years ago. You can find it at the url below if you may want to have a look. I also have a blog about ACC.
http://members.tripod.com/scenicbeauty/AngelsAroundTheWorld.html
http://agenesiscorpuscallosum.blogspot.com/
Sandie
Jenn Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 9:38 pm
Sandie, thank you so much for those links. I’ll definitely be checking them out. This is all still so new to us, so the more information we can get on everything, the better.
I think I am the opposite. I was adopted, and while I am grateful that I was given a home, I never truly felt like my parents child. I am not sure how to explain it, but it was always there.
Jenn Reply:
May 26th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
@ali, I do know what you mean. I’m very different from my parents. As in, I really have nothing in common with them, nor any of the same interests. Meeting my birth mother was like discovering myself, because I am so like her (an interesting study in nature vs nurture). So perhaps that’s why I have this perspective. By meeting my birth mom and finding that place that I ‘fit’ I’ve made peace with the whole adoption.
Have you ever read the book ‘Primal Wound’ by Nancy Verrier? (http://www.nancyverrier.com/)
I think it should be mandatory reading for every adoptee and adoptive parent. It really goes into some of the reasons why adoptees either fit really well or not at all into their adopted families.