The Pit of Despair

Westley: Where am I?
The Albino: [raspy voice] The Pit of Despair! Don’t even think… [clears throat]
… don’t even think about trying to escape.

~ The Princess Bride

The other day Insta-Mom put up an amazing post about her struggle with depression.  It resonated in a huge way with me, because just the night before I almost had a panic attack when I tipped my pill bottle over and the last pill fell into my hand.  Luckily the new pills were already ordered and just waiting for me to pick up.  But the panic I felt at running out of my depression meds was palpable.

meds The Pit of DespairI have no recollection of when my depression set in.  I honestly have no memory of not suffering from it.  But my teenage angst was more than just angst.  It was a pit that I was having a hard time finding my way out of.  I contemplated suicide many times.  I was about 16 I was finally diagnosed with dysthymia.  It’s a low grade, long lasting depression.  My parents were horrified.  Absolutely beside themselves.  I was warned not to tell anyone about it.  So of course I told everyone.  And I’m glad I did.  It’s no longer something to hide, to be ashamed of, to pretend doesn’t exist.  Because it does exist.  And it can be managed.

Quite often I can manage it without meds.  And I did so for years before I had Vista.  Now, though, I need my meds.

Without them I become someone I don’t recognize.  I’m angry.  I have a short fuse.  I start having panic attacks.  I become a bit neurotic, quite frankly.  I don’t like that me.  Not at all.  And all those things don’t help me to be the mom I want to be for my daughter.

I know this too shall pass and eventually I’ll wean myself off the meds again.  But for now…

As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that it’s OK that I suffer from this.  I’m able to cope with it.  And I have supportive people around me that let me know when I’m not doing a good job of that (because quite often when you’re depressed you don’t realize it).

So every night, before I go to bed, I take my dose of happiness.  And I am thankful that such a thing exists for the times when I really do need it.

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8 Responses to The Pit of Despair

  • pgoodness says:

    Good for you, speaking out like that!

    I, too, take my dose of happiness every night. I’m not ashamed. Yes, it kind of sucks that I need it, but I don’t like the person I am without it; maybe I’ll stop one day, but even if I don’t, who cares. It makes me a better mother, wife, person.
    .-= pgoodness´s last blog ..The next appointment(s) =-.

  • Avasmommy says:

    For once I have no snarky remarks. While I am sorry you have to deal with this I am glad that we are in an age where there *are* medications, and we don’t just lock people away and consider them a lost cause. Any illness should never be a shameful secret. Nor should it’s treatment. Huge hugs to you for writing about this.

    .-= Avasmommy´s last blog ..Milk, It’s What’s Not For Dinner =-.

  • Thank god for medicine, and thank god for people like you, Nic, and Allyson for speaking out.

    Love yous.

    .-= Sara @heartmychloe´s last blog title =-.

  • Chantel says:

    Babe! I had no idea you suffered too. Me too! I take my “happy pill” as I call it every night. I hate that I need it but I know without it, I’ll slowly slip away. My kids deserve to have a mom that has some of her marbles in tact. Love ya & if you ever want to talk offline, I’m here. :)

    .-= Chantel´s last blog ..Blogger Faux-Pas =-.

  • Jennifer says:

    When I was first diagnosed with “moderately severe depression and general anxiety disorder” my parents told me to “buck up.” They’re good people, but they come from a generation when any mental illness was thought to be an excuse for behavior. “Everybody gets sad, you deal with it” were not helpful words.

    I’ve been off any type of medication for almost 3 years and it went well for a while. I’m not so sure it’s going well anymore. I’m not suicidal and I do function, but I’m not much fun to be around most of the time.

    I want to thank you for being open about this. You made me think about my own life and realize that maybe it’s time to discuss going back on meds with my doctor. I definitely feel for you.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Classics – Worth it v. Waste of Time =-.

  • melissa says:

    hugs to you! I think Sara said it best…

    “Thank god for medicine, and thank god for people like you, Nic, and Allyson for speaking out.”

    Love yous (too!)


  • my sweet… this is so well-written.

    i hope you’re proud of yourself… cuz i sure as hell am proud of you.

    always proud of you.
    .-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..The Must-Have Mom Manual =-.

  • Bridget says:

    There have been a lot of depressing posts lately…Insta-mom, you, MooshInIndy, Issa. And it’s amazing to see so many people speaking out about something that’s been so taboo for so long! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. (((hugs)))
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..One step at a time… =-.

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