Excuse Me While I Bang My Head Against This Brick Wall

After my post earlier this week about pity parties, what to I find myself doing?  Yeah, because I like to be all hypocritical like that.  Hey, just sticking with my strengths here.

iStock 000002243299XSmall 200x300 Excuse Me While I Bang My Head Against This Brick WallI spent the morning scrubing and disinfecting the bathroom (while scrubing and disinfecting V in the tub) after yet another unexplained puking episode.  They are random, cause unknown.  And doctors can’t be bothered to find out.  We did have a Gastro-Intestinal specialist for V, but she basically shrugged and said “Yeah, she might just be like that until she’s older”.  F*cking super.  Really?  Well in that case, you come to my house and clean up after her, hold her while she sobs, because she’s so goddamn tired of throwing up herself.

After getting V out of the tub and drying her off, 3 hours of her crying non-stop began.  She’s exhausted, but can’t tell me what’s wrong.  I’m frustrated, she’s frustrated.  Nothing distracts her.  I tried singing, telling stories, massages… she just cries.  Again, the doctors shrug and say “She’s kind of a mystery.  We have no idea”.  Well that’s f*cking super.  Then you come over and spend all night, every night, for weeks on end while she bawls her eyes out and screams in pain. And then the hitting starts.  She starts hitting herself over and over and over trying to soothe herself. And you have to restrain her, which just makes the whole thing worse.

I’ve tried to get an appointment with our family doctor.  That call was placed on Monday.  No one ever bothered to get back to me.

I am so sick to death of fighting to try and figure out how I can make my daughter feel better.  I’m not the one with the god damn medical degree here so why am I doing the job of a doctor?

And, yes, we have seriously considered bringing her down to the States.  The only thing holding us back is the fact we haven’t won the lottery lately and a trip like that would be extremely expensive.

I’m officially throwing up my hands and saying I give up.  I don’t know what else I can possibly do at this point.

I’m lucky that I can call Bil at work after an especially impossible day and he’ll try to come home a bit early if he’s able to.

For those women who don’t have a support system like that in place… well…

I told someone once that I could understand how shaken baby syndrome happens.  I get why some women get to the point they end up murdering their children.  I don’t condone it. I would never, ever, in a million years, let that happen.  I just understand how people already teetering on the edge eventually break and take that step over into the horrible.  You can hate me for that. You can stop reading right now.  Feel free to tell me how awful I am in the comments.  But until you’ve gone three weeks without sleep, while rocking and doing everything in your power to calm your child, when even drugging her doesn’t work, and the doctors won’t do anything to help?  Then, and only then, can you judge.

People are always telling me “Just wait til she’s a teenager.”  At this point I’m just trying to make it through the next week.

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25 Responses to Excuse Me While I Bang My Head Against This Brick Wall

  • i love you. that’s all i got.
    .-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..speechless =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks hon. I love you too

  • Sara says:

    .-= Sara´s last blog ..There’s a First Time for Everything =-.

  • I completely get it about understanding how one could lose their mind and do something regrettable to their child. I have been there. When my youngest had colic for the first 7.5 months of her life, it was all I could do to keep my shit together. I often thought about people who had less impulse control and how they would handle my situation. Don’t judge yourself for feeling that way, nor should others judge you. I also get the “just trying to get through the moment”. I wish there was more that I could say. Know there are many of us out “here” who care for you and support you. Thinking of you and hoping for a better tomorrow or at the very least, a better moment.
    .-= knoxvillepixie´s last blog ..Girl Talk Thursday-Favorite Halloween Costume =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks, I appreciate it. I get having a colicy baby. That’s how V started out too. It’s truly mind blowing that with all the medical research we don’t have more help for babies with severe colic.
    And thank you so much for your support.

  • Lu says:

    Jenn my heart just breaks for you guys. I know you are not only at your wit’s end physically but emotionally exhausted too. Not being able to help Mason with a simple cold is hard enough, let alone sweet V struggling and and not knowing why. Forget shaken baby, I want to shake the shit out of those doctors. I am so frustrated with the doctors you’ve seen. I just want one to care, and to have a personal investment in finding out what is ailing her.
    I am thinkg of you all and wishing you guys some sleep and peace this weekend. *hugs* oh and *vodka*
    .-= Lu´s last blog ..My Own 9/11 =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    I think it’s the exhaustion that sort of exacerbates everything. If it wasn’t for that, I’d probably be better equipped to deal with stuff like this. But when you’re tired everything sort of blows out of proportion.

  • Oh Mama. I wish I could come help you, come give you a break. You do such an amazing job as her Mom, I don’t know if I could do what you do everyday.

    I lurves you.

    .-= ali (adil320)´s last blog ..Today =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks hon. I appreciate the love and hugs. *smooches*

  • Colleen says:

    Oh Jenn… I wish there was something I could do to help you. I’d be there in a heartbeat if I could.

    LOTS of love, hugs, and everything in between.

    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..I remember. =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. It really does help knowing the support is there.

  • Sara says:

    I wish I had something to say that could help you. If you ever do decide to make the trip to the states you are always welcome to come here. Dallas has an awesome childrens hospital from what Ive been told.
    I have often told myself the same exact thing about shaken baby syndrome. I am lucky to have a husband who helps out most times. I love you and I’m here for you even if all you need to do is scream!
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..September 11, 2009 =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks sweetie. I may just fly down to bug you just for a break. lol.

  • Deidra23 says:

    I hope one day you get a Doctor with a brain. Not sure what else to say, but i’m here for you, for whatever that’s worth.
    .-= Deidra23´s last blog ..Green and Copper Tendril Glass Pendant =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Not holding my breath (I might turn blue)
    They seem to be a scarcity around here

  • Magda says:

    I’m so sorry that all you have to go through this. I hope that you are able to find some relief for V soon. I wish that we were closer together so I could lend a hand or at least bring over a bottle of wine! Love you guys!

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks Magda. I really appreciate the thought.

  • Beth says:

    Oh my heart goes out to you. Do not under any circumstances give up, you have to be the best medical advocate for her that you can be (and I know you didn’t mean that). Call, and call again, ask to speak to who is in charge, if that doesn’t work, show up in person and demand to be seen. You and your daughter should not have to go through this. There is always another test that can be ordered or done. I got really sick last year, it took them a year to figure out what was wrong with me, and me being insistent that they listen to me. Medical professionals are so quick to disregard what we say and think, just because they have a degree on the wall does not make them any better than us. Much love hun.
    .-= Beth´s last blog ..I Am Done Tip-Toeing =-.

  • Oh Jenn :(

    I had a chance to talk to my auntie yesterday (well.. she’s not really my aunt, she’s my moms bff and I’ve known her my entire life) and told her a bit about what you’ve been going through.

    Her words to you: You are not crazy and trust your judgement! As I told you, her youngest, Ben (he’s almost 40 now) was born with spina bifida and pretty bad hydrocephalus. She’s had some horrendous fights with doctors and many a struggle with Ben’s medical problems. She’s a stubborn fighter though and won many battles by being a tough bitch with doctors. She is also one of the founding members of the Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus Association – she’s very passionate about the cause and wanted to form the foundation so other parents had the support they need. She completely understands what you’re going through.

    She was also pretty shocked that doctors haven’t referred you to the association. It’s automatic in Ontario. There’s two in Alberta – one in Northern Alerta http://www.sbhana.org/ and one in Southern Alberta http://www.sbhasa.ca/ I expect you can at least find a sounding board there and some advice on what to do and who to see (and TRUST in the medical field)

    Helen (my auntie) said you were ABSOLUTELY right in demanding to see a neurologist. From what I told her, she believes V should be seeing a specialist – you know, on a regular basis! She’s appauled for you that you’ve had to fight so hard to even get an appointment and an MRI.

    Helen wanted to know if Vista has a shunt? I said I wasn’t sure. She asked because the symptoms would lead her to believe that maybe it wasn’t working. She also said though that the major symptoms of increased pressure and fluid build up (with or without a shunt) are: VOMITING and NAUSEA, HEADACHE, SEIZURES, BALANCE / GAIT DISTURBANCE, plus poor focusing of the eyes… etc. She also said these symptoms are the same even if the hydrocephalus was mild or if the fluid build up is slow. She was always told that if Ben had nausea or vomitting to BRING HIM INTO THE HOSPITAL.

    In other words, Vista needs a neuro / doc whatever that isn’t a douche and will listen to you.

    Please call the SBHA and see what advice they have for you. And if you need to reach out for more support, Helen is a veteran in this area and I’m sure she could offer you some great advice.

    Take care Jenn and keep fighting the good fight. Oh and trust your instincts. You’re stronger than you know.

    xo. Love me.
    .-= Karen @agentninety9´s last blog ..3 Years =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thank you for this Karen. And please thank your Aunt for me too. This information is so helpful.
    Vista doesn’t have a shunt in, because they don’t believe her hydrocephalus affects her balance (I’m not sure I agree however).
    And I’ve always wondered if the vomiting was related to her brain issues, but the docs say no. But really, we have no other explanation for it.

  • Jeni Lowry says:

    Oh girl, I just started reading your blog and I feel for you. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to have a doctor who didn’t call you back or just told you, “She may grow out of it.” I mean your kiddo is in pain and you can’t do anything to help it and I do know what that feels like. I am lucky to have a great doc, well she’s actually a nurse practitioner (which is probably why she is so great being as she’s a human being, not a snot nosed over educated asshole) who does not give up until she knows what’s going on with me, or Jezi. If she doesn’t know what’s going on she keeps at it until she finds someone who can help. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that your doctor will call you back and they get to the bottom of this and you and your baby girl get whatever it is that she needs so you’ll both be able to sleep good at night again.
    .-= Jeni Lowry´s last blog ..Not dealing with Shit =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Bwhahaha… Your ’snot nosed over educated asshole’ comment totally had me laughing out loud. Probably because I have used those exact words to describe the doctors we have to deal with. Thanks for that

  • Laura says:

    Oh hon, I so know how you feel. And what you put in the end, about know how some moms can do the horrible things they do when they finally fall off the ledge, you are so on target. I don’t condone it either, but it happens, and mostly for the reason you said, no support and they just fall off that ledge.
    I have been where you are when my son was little. Not only vomiting, but diarrhea, vomiting, ear infections, UTIs, etc. He was ALWAYS sick. Used to get to the point where I would be holding him at night, and we would both just lay there rocking and crying. I feel your pain, your stress, and all I can say is I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t do much, but I am. Because it sucks, it sucks for you, her, and hubby. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to finding the right Dr to help Little V and u figure out at least how to make all this better.
    (@mccammon) Until then, you know we are all here for you to vent, scream and bang on twitter and ur blog. ***hugs***
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..Another Trip to ER =-.

  • becky says:

    i totally love that you posted this because i’ve said this before too. that i totally get how all those things happen. how so many parents are just driven to the edge and are at their wits end and they just lose it and then after it’s done they hate themselves and forever have to live with it. i’ve had to walk away a few times and breathe and count to 100 before dealing with a situation. it’s just so overwhelming.
    .-= becky´s last blog ..7 months =-.

  • Issa says:

    I wish I could say something awesome and helpful. But, I got nothing. Just know, we’re here for you. To listen, whenever.
    .-= Issa´s last blog ..Just when I thought I couldn’t love her more =-.

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