WHY Did Nobody Tell Me This??

When I found out I was pregnant, my friends who were already moms told me a lot of things.  Most of it, I realize now, was a bunch of BS created to lull me into a false sense of security so I wouldn’t have a complete meltdown and run away screaming (how kind of them to let me hold onto my sanity just that little bit longer).  Here’s a few things I wish they would have told me:

  1. You will never drink a full cup of coffee while it’s still warm again.  You’ll either get two sips in and be interrupted, so it turn ice cold and the milk curdles, or end up spilling it all over yourself while you try to juggle a squirming kid and a diaper bag, while body blocking two dogs from following you out the front door.
  2. If you’re a person who prides themselves on being punctual and makes smart ass remarks to mothers who are always late – Karma Is A Bitch.  You will never, ever, be on time for anything again.  EVER. Not even if you start getting ready two hours before.  Because just as you walk out the door, with time to spare, that will be the moment your kid decides to take a massive dump that smells like something died and ends up being a complete blowout so you end up having to throw them in the tub and hose them down.  Not that I would know this from personal experience or anything.
  3. Sleeping in will become a very rare and joyful event.  Hell, just sleeping through the night is like finding the lost treasure of Atlantis.  Sleep now.  Sleep often.  Sleep long.  Because gone are the lazy Sunday’s in bed.  I’m fully convinced that the amount of sleep your child requires is inversely proportional to the amount of sleep you need.  In other words, get used to being sleep deprived.  And if you don’t drink coffee now, you will start (and when you do, see rule number 1)
  4. Showers are a luxury, not a necessity. Same goes for make up and actually doing anything with your hair.
  5. Packing a diaper bag is an art form.  Imagine standing in the middle of the grungy mall  restroom trying to find a clean diaper, wipes, and butt cream, WHILE holding down a squirmy baby, and without dumping the contents of the diaper bag over said grungy restroom floor. You will learn how to pack a bag with military precision.  And yes, one little bag can fit diapers, wipes, cream, hand disinfectant, a change of clothes, bottles, formula, toys, books, soothies, AND the contents of your purse (so you don’t have to lug that around too) IF you know how to pack it properly.  Start practicing now.
  6. The road to hell is paved with good intentions (this is another one of those Karma Is A Bitch things).  Feel free to philosophize and spout off how you’re going to raise your children.  Sing it loud and proud.  About  how they’re not going to be the ones screaming in the restaurant.  And how you will never need to put your kids on one of those stupid leashes because you’ll be able to watch them, unlike those other lazy ass parents.  And how you will never bribe your children with candy, cookies, toys, or other ‘bad’ things.  And you will never feed them junk food, ever.  I suggest you write all of it down, then come talk to me when they’re two.  We’ll see how you did.

What would you go back and tell your pre-children (aka. SANE) self?

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23 Responses to WHY Did Nobody Tell Me This??

  • Lu says:

    Oh hai! Yeah I am the one who said my kid would NEVER act like that at a restaurant. He would sit still, or else.NOT. Boy did I get schooled quick. I would also tell them to have relaxing vacations, beacause vacations with kids may be memorable,but they are also WORK. Sometimes more work for mom than a regular day at home. We rate family members homes that we will visit, by how child friendly it is.
    .-= Lu´s last blog ..Sometimes =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Oh, vacations. Yes. Those things. lol. You’re so right. And the other thing about vacation is you don’t double your luggage when you add that extra little person to your family – you quadruple it.

  • Colleen says:

    I could have written this post verbatim! Don’t forget about the required tupperware of CHEERIOS or some other nommable snack too in the diaper bag or car. Oh that has saved me so many times. And now too, lollipops! Nothing says “shut up kid so I can drive and just want to listen to silence so effing bad” better than a little dum-dum lollipop. i have a stash in my car and purse. Luckily I’ve only had to bust them out a few times. Joy. Pure Joy.

    :)
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..Pullups and Poop =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Lollipops! *headsmack* I can’t believe I never thought to carry lollipops in my bag. V loves them. You are soooo smart. Putting them on my shopping list now.

  • Heather says:

    Forget Diaper Bag—Invest in a BIG backpack. You can shove everything you need for a month in there, and STILL carry a screaming toddler out of a toy store!
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..I visited nature =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Yes! It took me 18mths and 5 diaper bags that just didn’t work for me before I stole one of my husbands conference backpacks. Much better.

  • Bridget says:

    You know what no one told me? No one told me that there would be times I would really dislike my own kid. Not that I expected it to be all roses, but 9 months of colic can kill that whole bonding thing.

    I mean, I love my kids always…but there are times when I really, reeeeeeally don’t like them.

    Is that horrible to admit??
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..1969 =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Nope, not horrible at all. I go through it too. Especially when we’re having a rough time with V and she’s really acting out. I’ll always love her, but there are definitely times I don’t like her much.

  • Sarah says:

    I love the coffee one. I never, ever get to drink a whole cup of hot coffee.

    I would have told myself to ignore to all the random, unsolicited advice from strangers, other mommies, my parents, etc, etc. I would tell myself to just listen to my kid and my instincts and tell everyone else to shut the hell up.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Silhouette =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Yes, the amount of unsolicited advice…gah. And when you’re a new mom trying to sort through it all. The other thing I would add to that is that things have changed from when our mom’s had kids. So even their advice, quite often, doesn’t apply

  • becca says:

    Ah yes, the late thing. I was one of those annoyingly early people, always waiting for others and complaining that people were late. Now, as you said, no matter what I do, I am always scrambing at the last second and screaming for everyone to hurry up! I swore I’d never be THAT mom with THAT kid having a complete meltdown in public. I used to think, “just pick your kid up, give her a hug, and walk out…”, now I’M THE one who needs the hug because I’m always the one with THAT kid.

    But it’s all worth it, right?

    Jenn Reply:

    lol. I keep telling myself it’s all worth it and I’m hoping I’m right.

    (big hugs)

  • becky says:

    preach it sista. most the things i told myself before i had kids went right out the window. and i remember telling a friend this when she was pregnant. and she insisted that she was never going to cosleep.

    the kid is 1 and she’s still cosleeping.

    LOL.

    i hate it when people w/o kids think they know how they’re going to raise them when they have no idea what kinda kid THEIR kid is going to be.
    .-= becky´s last blog ..Houston, I have a problem =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Yes! I always get a kick out of the co-sleeping nazi’s. They’re always the ones who end up with a kid in their beds forever.

  • Jennifer says:

    Seriously. The coffee. The showers. And my kids were never going to have toys that made noise. Who needs that? They would just play quietly with soundless toys. Cause I knew everything. Or, evidently, nothing at all.
    .-= Jennifer´s last blog ..#76. Make Skittles infused Vodka. =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    OMG, the noisy toys comment totally made me laugh. I was the same way. V now has several toys with electrical tape over the speakers of them to try and tone them down just a little bit.

  • 3 and 4, oh god yes. I haven’t had a decent night of sleep in 6 years and it’s almost like I have to schedule in a shower.
    .-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Weekend Winners Vol. 8: Car Show Edition =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    My trick for showering is as soon as I hear V start to stir, I’m up and in there. Then I go get her up. Otherwise, showers are just not part of the agenda.
    Once she’s not in a crib anymore, though, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

  • number 2 is the only one i really have to deal with. no matter what time we wake up or walk out the door, i’m always 5 (or more) minutes late to everything. everything.

    always.

    sucks.

    i like this post a lot. you should write a book on the subject.

    <3
    .-= Sara @heartmychloe´s last blog ..marks =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Awww… You’re so sweet.

    I keep hoping I’ll magically start being on time as V gets older, but it doesn’t seem to be working that way.

  • Issa says:

    For a long time I learned to embrace the iced coffee. Somehow it worked out better than hot ones for many years.

    I’d go back and tell myself to ignore most other people. It doesn’t matter where they sleep, it doesn’t matter if I give them bottles or breastfeed, it doesn’t matter if I use Pampers or hand wash diapers…the truth is, people are full of asshat comments about these things, but NONE of them will ever be there at 2am when you have a puking 2 year old and a screeching newborn. Basically when they do that, their opinion counts, until then, they are talking to hear themselves talk. The end.
    .-= Issa´s last blog ..Happy birthday Renee!!!! =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Very good and wise advice, for sure. The only opinion that really matters is your own. More mom’s need to learn that.

  • Sara says:

    No one told me that “pregnancy brain” NEVER GOES AWAY and that 8+months later I would still wander into my kitchen and forget what I had come there to do only to go back to what I was previously doing and remember….then go back to the kitchen and forget all over.

    Or that I should practice doing every thing one-handed. EVERYTHING.

    Or that it was ok to admit that I really CAN’T do it all.
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..rock ME hardplace =-.

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