Guest Post: Afraid

We’ve all been through stuff with our family when we just needed to vent and get it all out there.  Unfortunately, if you have a public blog that your family knows about, it’s not always the best place to do it (unless you want to cause a lot of family tension, drama, headaches…)

So when my good friend Lu told me she needed a place to ‘throw her dirty socks around’, I told her to come on over and let it all out.  I have enough dirty laundry posted on this site; what’s a few more socks?

After reading her story below, I can totally understand why she would need to get this off her chest and blow off some emotional steam.

So, without further ado, the lovely Ms Lu….



So I got the call yesterday.  the call that I was expecting to get actually.  It’s funny how just because you expect a situation or manifest it in your mind, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with or understand.

My brother and his wife are expecting.

Again.

After giving two other children up for adoption.

****Some history is probably in order.****

My brother, G was in 10th grade when my parents moved our family (not me I was already out) from our home town to a new state.  For a high school student something like that can be hard and for my brother it was the beginning of the end.  Without 5 pages worth of information to say it shortly my brother is a hippie, a drifter, a musician,  a dreamer, not much of a do-er.  He met A, his now wife, a few weeks after starting school in the new town.  They began dating and also an intimate relationship, rather quickly.  A was actually there the morning some of my family died, and was caught “fleeing the scene of the crime” which of course, she was cleared of any wrong doing.  Well, except she was 15 and had no business being in my brother’s room overnight. (Letting your HS son have a room in the basement was NOT the best idea Mom, shit.)  Given that she has been with my brother through all of this they have an unbelievable bond, which I can understand.  They also really love each other and always have.

When they were just finishing their senior year of high school A got pregnant.  When this happened I think it was just over a year after dad and the boys died and the prospect of a new baby brought a swirling of emotion to our family.  We (mom, me, hubs, and sis) said we would back them, help them, and support them emotionally and financially.  For a while there they had decided they would marry and keep the baby.  My brother was entertaining ideas of joining the military so he would have a way of immediate support and medical care.  We said we would support whatever they decided.  Then A’s family started convincing her that this baby was going to ruin her life and had she even considered any other options?   Her mother made her go to a meeting with an adoption agency and shortly after that they decided she would give the baby up, to an open adoption.  So G & A could pick the family and have some involvement in the baby’s life.

Now I can not even begin to imagine what this feels like.  Especially now as a mother myself the emotions are a thousand times more intense.  I can not imagine how hard it is to carry the child full term and give her away.  At the time this was really hard on our family.  Especially my mom.  Who was immediately accused of “trying to replace her sons.”  Anyone who is a parent knows that if you lose a child they can NEVER be replaced.  Just typing that out makes my stomach turn.  You can not replace a child, even with another child of your own, much less someone else’s child.  It is not possible.  Yet they accused her of it.  Repeatedly, because she wanted them to keep the baby.  I was just supportive of whatever they wanted to do because I was young myself and although I was married I wasn’t “ready” for a baby either.  However I really struggled to understand how G & A could honestly let the baby go.  They both  come from decent families who would have helped  them through and teach them and support them.  But they were both in the time of their life where freedom was finally theirs and ultimately the baby would cramp their style.

G finally let me in on his view.  Since they were working with this open agency they would be able to see her and have some involvement, but still get to be kids themselves.  The agency would also be paying them enough money that him and A could move out on their own.  So not only would they not have the “burden” of the baby, they would be able to get some free money.  From the agency AND the adoptive parents.  The agency & adoptive parents paid their rent and utilities and any other expenses to make sure their baby would be in the best healthy environment possible.  G & A were “hood rich” and loving it.  At this point they pretty much quit communicating with us for the most part, but especially in regards to the baby.  They felt guilt or ashamed I guess.  I don’t know.

So a beautiful little girl was born.  A little girl who I have never met.  A little girl who not only has my blood running through her veins, but also strongly resembles me.

G & A went on with their lives which includes a horrible cocaine addiction and a stripping career.  Two years went by and A gets pregnant again.  Oh and guess what?  The adoptive parents of the first child would just love to adopt this one too. So yeah, my brother and his wife basically sold them the baby.  It was through the agency…but still, we all saw what was going on.  I never came out and called him a baby seller to his face, but we a knew it.  It was just too painful to address correctly especially with still feeling the pain of losing the first one.  So here we go again.  Except this time, the never even considered keeping it.  Ever.  He later admitted to me that the adoptive parents had been asking for months for another baby.

Fast forward a few years and G & A get their life somewhat on track.  They aren’t hooked on drugs anymore (just a little lot of pot) and decide it’s time to get married.  I mean they have been together forever anyway so why not.  Soon after they figure out another way to get free money, school grants and loans.  They rack up thousands of dollars in loans only to have that idea fizzle out as well.  They both struggle to maintain school, jobs, and their hugely important social life.  Soon after the money runs out they find themselves in despair once again.

Once again my mom opens her arms and home to them.  During that time they are trying to figure out what the hell they can do with their life now.  They literally have nothing left but some personal belonging and each other.  So how can we get money again???  HMMMM.  This time it was the military.  During a time of war.  They are so desperate to get something for nothing.  So A joined but G was denied.  A has worked her butt off, and it turns out, it wasn’t something for nothing.  I will give her credit for that, for sure.  All along though, I just keep wondering what kind of scheme they will come up with to get her out.   So the first thing they did to keep her from getting deployed was sign her up for bunion surgery.  Then they tried to deploy her again, so she signed up to have her other bunion removed.  They were here for a weekend in between the surgeries.  During a casual conversation about what would happen after that, how long she would recover before being deployed my brother pipes in with, “well if she gets pregnant, she won’t be deployed.” AH HA.

So it begins, again.

So now you are caught up.

She went in yesterday for her second surgery only to find out she is pregnant.   My brother called me and said, “I am going to be a father.”  My natural reaction/response was, what does this mean?  He was like, what do you mean, what does this mean?  It means I am going to be a father.  Of course I am thinking, um, you already are, so what the fuck does this mean??? Now I never said, so are ya keeping it?  I guess he just thinks I am supposed to know they are.  I mean, what is different now that I am supposed to be anymore happy about this than the last two times you “were going to be a father.”

My mom and I are literally afraid to get invested.  Afraid to get excited.  Afraid to love.

We have been beat up emotionally a million and a half times by my brother and his wife.  For way more than the two other babies.   G & A are the type of people who if you piss them off they will use this baby as a pawn to get what you want or make you feel bad.  I am so afraid.

I am afraid for the other two babies to ever feel like they came from a family that didn’t want them, but then we wanted this baby.  We wanted those little girls, they were loved before they were ever born.  We would have loved them forever.

I know that my brother can be an amazing father.  I just hope he follows through this time.

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11 Responses to Guest Post: Afraid

  • becky says:

    wow. just wow. what a story. i hope they ARE the parents this child deserves.
    .-= becky´s last blog ..Speaking of empathy…appreciation =-.

  • Laura says:

    I am so happy you found somewhere to let all this out. Oh hun, I am so sorry you and your mother are having to go through this. I hope for the baby’s sake that your brother and his wife settle this and take of the situation, and not by “selling” another baby. I feel especially bad for your mother.
    Please know we are all here for you, to support you, and to be a shoulder. You have been through so much, and no single family should have to go through what you have. My thoughts and prayers are always with you my dear friend.

  • Avasmommy says:

    Sweetie, I have some idea how you feel. A close friend of mine has a daughter (a teenage daughter) who had a baby at 15, kept it, but basically neglected her, gave her to her mom to raise, took her back, etc and is now expecting baby #2. I am so angry and sad about the whole situation, but basically feel helpless. Afraid for both those babies.

    I hope for that baby’s sake they get their shit together. It’s a tough situation, for all of you, it’s too bad they can’t see that.

    I’m here for you anytime you need a shoulder or a place to land when you feel like falling. xoxo
    .-= Avasmommy´s last blog ..Thank You =-.

  • Sara says:

    In a bad way, this could be a lifetime movie! I just can’t believe people (not just G&A, the adoption agency and the adoptive parents) think this is ok! I pray that they will love this child with all their heart and change their ways! Having children does sometimes change people. I am so sorry that emotionally you have to deal with this, even if you don’t want to get involved, mentally you already are! Hugs to you!
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  • PsychMamma says:

    What a mess. Hoping, HOPING that THIS time they get it right. That they pull it together and give that baby a wonderful home and family. And that you can all give the love you so want to give without being used/manipulated.

    {HUGS}
    .-= PsychMamma´s last blog ..Embracing Holland =-.

  • Angi says:

    Aw, Lu! Wow! ((hug)) It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got!

    angi
    .-= Angi´s last blog ..Think Back Thursday ~ Remembering Grandma Birdie =-.

  • Colleen says:

    Dear Lu,

    Somewhere out there are two little girls who are growing up with an enormous amount of love. In their daily family with their adoptive mom and dad they know love from hugs and smiles, warm beds and food on their plates. They know laughter and sweet dreams.

    But in their souls is love given from blood. The same blood that flows through your veins, and your mother’s veins. It’s a love greater than anything else, of any ink stroked on paper declaring family. It binds us through life, beyond life.

    Somewhere two little girls know you love them. They might not know you, or know of you, but they know you in their souls. And somehow in this imperfect world, through the maelstrom of life you have carried on your shoulders, and survived and shined through, there will never be any doubt that you have loved them, still love them, will always love them.

    We will hope for you when you fear to hope for yourself.

    We love you Lu.
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..Crafty Crafts =-.

  • Smug Married says:

    Holy crap! What a story! I so feel for you!!! Maybe you can write letters to the other two girls for them to read when they are older and perhaps have a relationship with them when they are adults. I don’t know what else to say!! My heart goes out to you and your mom!!

  • melissa says:

    ((((Lu)))) I’m not sure what to say other than I hope that they do come around this time and be the parents you hope them to be. To be the parents that thsi little one needs.

  • Susie says:

    i am so sorry that you are going through this. My sister is famous for using my niece against us when she is angry. She is 8 and my sis has not quite figured out the one who suffers the most is her daughter. Hang in there, please know, even it if it the most difficult thing, the moments i get to spend with her are the best ones i have!!

  • That is some story. I too am sorry have to deal with all of this. Unbelievable. I hope that little baby changes things for them. Hope is all you can have in this situation I think.
    .-= Maria @BOREDmommy´s last blog ..Flashback Friday – No Dance No Cry =-.

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