I Really Hate It When I’m Wrong

I woke up this morning at 8am.  Which counts as sleeping in for me.  I should have been able to bounce out of bed and hop in the shower.  Instead I slowly dragged my ass out of bed, thanked the magical furnace for the fact my room wasn’t freezing for a change, and resisted the urge to start banging my head against the wall when I realized V was awake and wanting to get up.

That urge to bang your head when you’ve been awake less than 2 minutes is NEVER a good sign.   But it’s a big sign for me.  You see, I live in this fantasy world.  A world of happy fairy dust.  That would be the same world where I convince myself that I’m feeling so great I don’t need my anti-depressants anymore.  Because, I’m doing better again.  I obviously just needed more sleep.  I wasn’t depressed after all.  And so I don’t need to take that little pill once a day anymore.  Because I. am. doing. AWESOME.

Day One
Feeling great!  I’m on top of the world.  Told you I didn’t need those stupid pills.  Just more sleep.  Sleep is GREAT!  I’m GREAT!  YAY ME!
Day Two
Hmmm… seem to be having a bit of an off day.  Maybe I’m coming down with something.  I just need some more coffee.  Oooo… and chocolate.  And maybe some Skittles.  Cause who doesn’t love Skittles?  And maybe just a bit more coffee.  Definitely coming down with something.  That must be it.  But I. am. GREAT!
Day Three
You want me to get out of bed?  Are you fucking kidding me?  And if those god damn dogs don’t start barking I’m going to turn them into to fucking fur coats.  Bark collars all around.  That’ll fix you little bastards.  And those fucking cats need to shut the fuck up.  Oh great.  No cat food.  Dammit.  Compose note to Bil telling him he better bring cat food home or I would chop him into little pieces and feed him to the cats.  Cause really?  How fucking hard is it to see we’re getting low on cat food and get more before we completely run out and the cats are meowing, meowing, and they won’t shut the fuck up and if his cat tries to chew that god damn plastic bag one more time I’m going to seriously shove my foot up her ass and use her as a slipper because she’s not good for much else.  Re-read email.  Edit it to ask Bil to pick up cat food on the way home.  Hit send.  Make Vista some breakfast.  Ego waffles is about all I can manage this morning.  Breakfast of champions.  Someone give me a ‘Mommy of the year’ award.  Put on Super Why for V and check the clock every 5 minutes to see if it’s time for her to go down for a nap yet.  Get pissed off and yell at her to pick up her crayons after she throws them all over the room.  Get pissed off and yell at her after she brings me her sippy cup and demands I take the lid off for the 18th time.  Get pissed off and yell at her after she refuses to let me change her diaper.  Get pissed off and yell at her after she goes to her blackboard in the kitchen and starts running her fingernails  down it and wont stop.  Get pissed off and yell at her after I tell her to get the fuck out of the kitchen and she lays down and throws a temper tantrum and I pick her up and bodily move her to the living room and slam the gate to the kitchen closed *insert a lot of screaming from both of us here*.  Realize I am completely losing it.  Make her a bottle and tell her to go to bed.  Freak when she tries to climb into my bed.  Pick her up, put her in her crib with her bottle, close the door.  Go to my computer, turn on Twitter, send this tweet

mommymeds I Really Hate It When Im Wrong

Put the computer down, go into the bathroom and take my little pink pill.  The one that makes me sane again.  Then cry, and cry, and cry.  Cry for being stupid enough to think I could go off of them.  Cry because I hate having to take them. Cry at the realization that this is not going to change.  Cry.

Cry because it only takes 3 days to prove how wrong I was.  Three days to go from happy, great, awesome, loving life, to ‘I wonder what would happen if I just took the whole bottle’.  Yeah.  Three days between sanity and the fact I should probably be in a padded room.  Three days between peace, calm, and happy harp music, to a rage so fierce I don’t know where it comes from and it scares me.

I woke up this morning and thought about blogging and wondered what to write about. I realized I had nothing to say and decided, maybe tomorrow.  Then my brain imploded.  If I could have picked my own topic, this wouldn’t have been it.  I don’t like telling the world that there are days when I’m a crappy mom and a shitty wife and just generally a miserable person.  I don’t like waving the “I take meds in order to pretend I’m somewhat normal” flag.  But I do it because I know I’m not the only one.  I know there is going to be someone else that reads this, goes to the cabinet, takes their meds, and realizes that *they’re* not the only ones.  And that’s why I write.

PS. Bil, could you pick up some more Halloween candy on your way home?  I may have cleaned out our stock of Reese peanut butter cups and Oh Henry bars this morning.  Sorry about that.

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42 Responses to I Really Hate It When I’m Wrong

  • Bil Simser says:

    Sweetie, it’s okay. Look at the tweets from people that support you. They loose it too, so this just proves you’re still human like everyone else. I’m sorry I’m not there to support you but Reese peanut butter cups and other goodies on the way home tonight. You are and always will be a rock-star Mom in my books every single day.
    .-= Bil Simser´s last blog ..Changing the Home tab in Mutipage Meeting Workspaces with jQuery =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thank you. This is why I love you.

  • Matt says:

    Oh hon.

    I’m a little lost for words. Regardless, remember that we all get mad and say things we wish we hadn’t said and do things we wish we didn’t do. We all do.

    I know how shit it can be to have to take pills to make you feel a certain way. I know this is probably going to be redundant, but have you thought about getting therapy? It can seriously help (and helped get me off the meds).

    But yeah, there’s no doubt it was a shit storm at the time, but don’t chastise yourself too much. Give her a snuggle, check out therapists in your area and remember to give yourself just as much love as you’ll be giving V. :)

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks Matt.

    Yes, I’m a many year veteran of therapy. Most of my therapists shake their heads though and tell them I’m more insightful about me than they are and I’m wasting my money ;-)

    I do have a diagnosed chemical imbalance, and as much as I like to tell myself I can manage it without fixing it, the reality is that it doesn’t work that way.

  • Nadine says:

    I can only say that I admire your strenght.
    Oh, and thank god for “happy pills”
    .-= Nadine´s last blog ..14.02.1968 – 6.10.2009 =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Yes. How did people ever manage before the sacred ‘happy pills’ were invented, I wonder.

  • becky says:

    omg. when i read things like this i wonder why *I* am not on meds. i do this same thing. how your day 3 went…that’s how i am about once a week. freak out on everyone. go crazy. and hubs doesn’t think that i need to be on anything. he thinks i’m ok and that i just need to learn how to manage my emotions better. most days i AM ok and i think that i don’t need to be on anything. but when you describe this…it makes me wonder. to be continued i guess….
    .-= becky´s last blog ..It was fall for 2 days =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Yeah, my parents told me that for years. “You just need to learn to control your emotions and not let them control you”. My response to that is usually “Fuck off”

    I do find that the meds (even tho the ones I’m on are super mild) just give me that little bit longer fuse so I don’t end up having meltdowns of epic proportions and then beating myself up for it for days after

  • becky says:

    ps bil is such a sweetie for saying that.
    .-= becky´s last blog ..It was fall for 2 days =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    He really is. I’m so lucky that he puts up with my BS all the time.

  • If you don’t stop writing things that make me wonder if I blacked out and posted elsewhere, I’m going to get really weird-ed out here!
    In all seriousness, this scenario is played out around here at least every 4-6 months. By at least one of the grown ones in the home.
    No words of wisdom, but at least you’re not alone.
    .-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..Make a Promise =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    bwahahaha. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who decides I have magical super powers a few times a year. lol

  • PsychMamma says:

    Hugs, hugs, HUGS!!! We do the best we can, and that’s all we can do. If you didn’t care that you “lost it” with her? THAT’S when you should worry. We’re not perfect and simply can’t be. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Being a mom is the hardest job out there under normal circumstances. Add special needs into the mix, and it’s simply exhausting, both emotionally and physically. I know b/c I’ve been there. And I’ve wondered if I need a pill. Don’t forget that your needs are important too, and don’t forget to love & take care of YOU. V loves you no matter what, and it’s good that she realizes that you make mistakes sometimes too. =)

    I’m just an email or tweet away if you want to talk more.

    xoxoxox

    P.S. A great book we just got from the library is: Harriet, You’ll Drive Me Wild (Mem Fox) where the mom loses it and yells, but all is well in the end.
    .-= PsychMamma´s last blog ..Embracing Holland =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks. It’s hard for me to remember, sometimes, that we are dealing with other factors here that can make things that much more difficult. When you have a kid who essentially looks normal it’s easy to forget that she’s not.

    I really appreciate your support.
    Definitely going to have to check out that book!

  • Karen says:

    First, you are a hundred kinds of awesome and you’ve had a rough day. Don’t beat yourself up huh. At least you’ve done the sensible thing and realized you were wrong. I’m on year 5 of “I’m fine, I can beat this shit w/o stupid pills”. I’m seeing a LOT of me in your post. Time for me to be sensible maybe.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..I Wasn’t Raped Once. =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    lol. If it makes you feel any better, I spent three years before V was born being terribly depressed (but in denial) and two years after V was born, in the throws of PPD before I finally admitted defeat.

    I don’t know that ‘sensible’ exists where depression is involved. It’s like being an addict. You have to hit rock bottom before you decide to get help sometimes.

  • Sara says:

    I am here crying with you! I am scared to admit that I have Day 3 four days out of the week and I am not on any medication. I am scared to admit that I might possibly need to be on medication and I am scared to admit that I hide the fact that my kids may be scared of “that” me. Also, can I have a Bil please? I love you very much and know that you are strong enough to admit when you have bad days and when you need your meds. I am here to listen when you have those bad days, and I hope soon we can all enjoy a few days without feeling like bad moms.
    xoxo sweetie!
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..When you want something done right, you have to do it yourself? =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Oh, sweetie. I wish I could wrap you in hugs.

    That feeling that you’ve completely lost your self-control and only coffee, chocolate, and a lot of wine is going to make it better, is the WORST feeling in the world.

    Especially when you’re sitting there, like an out-of-body experience, watching yourself freak out about something that you know there’s no rational reason to be upset over.

    Please, please, please go talk to your doctor. Get evaluated for depression. If you have it, getting on (and staying on) the right meds can make a world of difference. I promise.

  • Jen says:

    Thank you for sharing this. It’s made me feel less alone in a very similar struggle. The ‘I should prob just be a crazy cat lady’ days are getting fewer and further between, but I still have them more than I have the ‘Wow, I’m a Super Hero Mom’ days. You’re a strong person to realise and accept you need the help at the moment, and sometimes we all have a bit of a snap with the little ones – even on a good day! You’re a great mom, and I really admire you.

    Jenn Reply:

    Admitting there’s a problem really is always the first step. I’ve spent, literally, years in denial and I couldn’t even begin to tell you why. Maybe it’s because I, like you, love to believe I’m a Super Mom and I don’t need any help. But getting the help we really do need can be the biggest step on getting us back on track to actually being super moms.

  • I am sorry you have been having a tough time. I don’t know what to say other than that you should keep writing. Your words are raw and honest and compelling. And, yes, stock up on the Halloween candy. That never hurts.

    Jenn Reply:

    Thanks Aidan. I’m a firm believer in the theory that almost everything can be fixed with a nice box of chocolates. I’m very lucky to have a husband who totally gets that theory and skips the flowers and goes right to truffles.

  • Oh I just want to come and give you a great big hug. You said one thing that resounded with me “I know I’m not the only one”. Amen to that sister. You, and I know this without ever having even met you, are a wonderful Mom. You have more than a lot on your plate without all the normal drama of mommyhood. Throw into that toddlerhood and it’s own drama and you have a recipe for some great days, some good days and some bad days and some truly shitty days. It comes with the territory, it’s just that not all Moms are ready to admit it.

    Regarding the pills, I have fought that battle since I had my daughter eleven years ago. After suffering from pretty severe PPD, antidepressants helped me get my life back on track and function well again. I tried numerous times to stop them – but after suffering from an even more severe PPD when my son was born, I had to accept that I would probably have to take them for a very long time. I have since then, tried to get off them, sometimes successfully, but I know the warning signs now – I like you tend to fall right back into a hole almost immediately if I am going to. After the year I’ve had this year and the one before it, I will not contemplate stopping them again anytime soon, until things are better in my life. It’s just not worth it for myself or my children. Being a single parent has made it even more imperative to take care of myself first.

    You need to do that too. You need more sleep, (that was my main symptom with the PPD – I could not sleep and it will make you truly insane), you have a child with special needs who takes up every minute of your day and you are a fairly new mother. It’s all a process. I’m so glad you have a supportive husband in all of this – one who understands and allows you to have your feelings, however scary.

    I’ll stop waffling now, but please know you are human and your child will remember all the good things you do, not the shitty days you two have had. It’s life. My kids have been so amazingly resilient through all of our recent changes, it always makes me incredulous just how resilient they really are. All they need to know is that they are loved. V knows she is loved. Love yourself a little more and try and give yourself a break. (from beating yourself up that is!). You rock. You are brave, caring and a great person to “know”.

    Hope your day gets better and that you will be :) again soon.
    Tricia xx :) *hugs*xoxox

    Jenn Reply:

    As always, thank you SO much for your support.

    And you’re right. I need perspective sometimes. One bad day is not going to overshadow all the good days.

    Thank you for that.

    xoxoxo

  • Issa says:

    Oh honey I’m so sorry. I completely get this.

    I thought just last night that I could just not take my sleeping pill. Oh I’ve done better for three or four days…I can sleep without it. Then I wonder why I have panic attacks.

    I wish it was easy, but it’s just not. And it f’ing sucks. But you are so not alone. And tomorrow is a new day. A day for fresh starts and more patience. Hugs.
    .-= Issa´s last blog ..Guest Post: MIL issues =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    You know, it’s funny. I, of all people, should be taking sleeping pills and I am positively terrified of them. I’m so afraid I’ll sleep through one of Vista’s episodes that I’ve never even asked my doctor to prescribe them. It’s kind of funny these weird hangups we seem to have about meds even though they help us.

  • Becky says:

    I have walked that mile more times than I care to admit. Two years ago I was diagnosed bipolar, so I have a whole cocktail of medications. One to ward off depression, one to ward off the mania, one to keep me somewhere in the middle, one for anxiety, and two different ones to help me sleep.
    While I hate popping pills and walking around with a pseudo pharmacy in my purse, I hate my life off of medications so much more.

    The anti depressants correct a chemical imbalance in your system, and there is nothing you could have done to cause it or prevent it. The medication just corrects it. No shame in that.
    .-= Becky´s last blog ..The Bucket List and The Fuck-it Bucket =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    I think that’s the key. “While I hate popping pills and walking around with a pseudo pharmacy in my purse, I hate my life off of medications so much more”
    It really comes down to the lesser of the evils, doesn’t it.

  • Lu ~ @masmom says:

    Jenn, don’t feel bad about taking the pill! Everyone’s medical needs are different. Being ashamed of this is like someone being ashamed they need cholesterol meds. This is my round about way of saying don’t be so hard on yourself, seriously. You could be way more crazy than you are. *wink* Besides I think meds should be prescribed to parents when they take thier kids in for their 2 yo check ups, it’s tough. Especially with V’s sensory issues, that tirn into sleeping issues.
    I do not mean to make light of it, by any means I just hate that you are so hard on yourslef. You don’t give yourself credit for recognizing your needs and taking action to be the best (also hawtest) wife and mom you can be.
    Hang in there mama. Eleventy billion hugs to you.
    .-= Lu ~ @masmom´s last blog ..Follow Friday: My Girl Cara =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    bwhahaha… I love the idea of “Here, your kid is two. You’ll need valium, xanax, and a side of zoloft just to be safe. Oh! And don’t forget your sleeping pills!” lol

  • Colleen says:

    Oh darling! HUG!!!

    Would you be upset if you had to give yourself an insulin shot every day if you had diabetes? The insulin is correcting a chemical imbalance in the body right? No one gives themselves diabetes, right? No one looks at diabetics and thinks “what the hell is wrong with them?” Maybe the shot every day is annoying but the alternative is worse. It’s kind of the same. I understand you hate the pill. But the pill helps. And you deserve to be happy.

    I love you lady. You’re amazing, strong, loving, funny, smart and beautiful. You have my support 100%!! You know you can call me or IM me if you need to talk, right? I’m here for you!!

    Hugs and love and strength from many, many miles away.

    -c

    p.s. I totally got choked up reading Bil’s response.
    .-= Colleen´s last blog ..Over The Top =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    I like your comparison with insulin, but it doesn’t have the same negative connotations that anti-depressants still seem to have (even though everyone’s on them). There still seems to be this ‘don’t talk about it otherwise people will think you’re mentally ill’ mentality. I think we need to somehow find a way to break away from that and make it as benign as taking insulin

  • Angi says:

    I love you…and we all have those days…for different reasons. You recognizing, even though it’s not the most freeing thought in the world, that you’re not there, yet, is what’s important for V. She won’t remember that day…she’ll just remember that she has the most “rock-star” mom and loving dad that any little girl could ask for. Love on Bil and V tonight, because they’re as lucky to have you as you are to have them.
    ((hugs)), my friend!

    angi
    .-= Angi´s last blog ..Think Back Thursday ~ Remembering Grandma Birdie =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    You’re so sweet. Thank you for your support. It means a lot.

  • Sarah says:

    Wow – this is a very brave and vulnerable post. We need more mommies like you telling it like it is and shattering the illusion (that none of us actually live in) that mothers know what we are doing and do it.

    None of us is ‘perfect’ and we all expect too much of ourselves (and often, each other).

    Jenn Reply:

    I think that’s exactly part of the problem. There is this perception for some reason (media pressure maybe?) that we have to be perfect all the time.
    Perfect mother’s don’t exist and we need to get the word out.

  • Avasmommy says:

    Jenn,

    I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said here… However, you know me, that wont’ stop me. :) You are a wonderful amazing mom and Vista is lucky to have you. You have been her advocate from day one and have fought so hard for her. Being a parent is not easy. Some days it fucking sucks. Especially when you have extra issues to deal with. You do the best you can with what you know. When you know more, you do better. Give yourself a break. Think about this…what would you tell me if I was having the kind of day you’d just described? Now, go look in the mirror and repeat that to yourself.

    Xoxo
    .-= Avasmommy´s last blog ..Follow Friday =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    Oooo…the take your own advice tactic. That’s dirty pool, my dear girl. ;-)

    Avasmommy Reply:

    @Jenn, Well, I learned it from the best. *smooches*
    .-= Avasmommy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  • Pamela says:

    I feel like you are writing this post about me. Or that im writing it. I think I need happy pills

  • punkinmama says:

    You are so not the only one!
    And there is nothing wrong with you or with having to take a little pill. If it’s what keeps us sane and level, then it’s exactly what’s right!
    (((hugs))) to you!
    .-= punkinmama´s last blog ..giveaway: harry connick jr, your songs =-.

  • Not only are you a delight in every way, but I adore your honesty and your bite and your bravery. Bravo Momma!!!
    .-= Maria @BOREDmommy´s last blog ..Flashback Friday – No Dance No Cry =-.

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