That Which Shall Not Be Named

For the past couple of months there has been an elephant in the room.  Everywhere I turn, there it is.  I try to avoid looking it in the eye.  It sees and looks away.  I avoid talking to it.  It walks to the corner and sits down.  But still, there it is.

And I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of skirting the issue.  I’m tired of talking in double speak.  I’m tired of innuendos, allegations, comments, blah, blah, blah.  I’m sick of it.

I’ve been playing along, keeping my distance.  But this isn’t who I am.  I’m not a sheep to follow a crowd.

Anyone who knows me knows that I will always tell you want I think.  I’m blunt to the point of being brutal.  But at least you never have to guess where I stand.  Yet, for the past few months everyone has been guessing, questioning, wondering what I think of this elephant in the room.

You want it?  Well here it is.

Nic.

There I said her name.

Nic.

OMG.  I said it again.  Are you still reading?  Great.

Yes, Nic and I were friends before the drama.  Yes, we created and hosted Blog Her @ Home together.  Which, by the way, I’ve been asked several times why I haven’t removed her from that site.  Why?  Because Blog Her @ Home was not my idea.  It was not my brain child.  It was hers.  And you want me to remove her from a site that she conceived?  Why?  What purpose would that serve?

Everyone wants to know what I know.  I know what you know.  No more, no less.  I don’t have some magical insider information.  Nic has not changed her story about what happened, just because she’s talking to me.  She has continued to stand by what she says happened to her.  That has not changed through any conversation I’ve had with her.

Nic and I have spent hours going round and round about what she believes and what I believe happened.  Yes.  Those are two different things.

But the reality is I’m faced with a friend.  Is she dramatic?  Sure.  That’s who she is. She’s never apologized or made excuses for that. But she is someone who has been there for me.  Who has spent hours on the phone with me while I cried over whatever my latest life crisis was.  Who has been there to offer her support when I needed it most.

And in the past few months she’s really needed a friend. And where was I?  Not there.  Yup, pretty crappy, eh?

I was the one standing in judgment of her.  Standing with hands on my hips saying “I don’t believe you.  PROVE IT”.  Demanding an explanation.  A reason.  A rationalization for what had occurred.  Throwing accusations. Screaming at the top of my lungs “YOU OWE IT TO US”.  Owe.  Owe for what?  Payment for a debt?  Because we made the choice to tweet, post, blog, whatever?  And we’re embarrassed by what happened and therefore we make it her problem.  “I believed you, therefore you owe me.”

But what happens when she believes herself?

Trust me when I say we’ve talked about it from every angle.

Truth, lies, reality, fiction, sane, mentally ill, this disorder, that disorder.  And still, we’re no closer to being on the same page.  And we never will be.  Ever.

And there it is.

So the decisions I have to make is this:  How important is this to me?  Is it worth the cost of a friendship?  And do I have a right to stand in judgment.

That last one what the big one.  And something I only just realized.  And what prompted me to write this.

Who am I to stand here and judge her?

Even if I thought she was completely lying and made the whole thing up (no, that’s not what I think), have I never, ever embellished a story?  Never lied about anything?  Ever?  I wish I could say I hadn’t but the truth is, of course I have in my life time.  No, none of the stories on this blog are fabrication or embellishment.  Unfortunately I have enough drama in my life, I can write fact and that’s enough.

In our last conversation, Nic asked me what I wanted.  She can’t change how I view the events.  That’s my reality.  I wasn’t there, so I can only go by what I think happened.  But what do I want.  If I say I want the truth?  Well she has given me what she believes to be the truth.  But I don’t like that truth.  So whose problem is that?  Hers or mine?

Most of us have been trying to make that her problem.  I don’t like what you’re telling me, so give me a different story.  But she won’t because she can’t. And so it goes.

Let me lay bare what I do believe.  I believe that Nic believes what happened to her.  She has owned it.  That is not going to change. If you don’t like that truth then I can’t help you.

I need to start owning what I believe.  And if that costs me friends / followers / influence so be it.

I don’t blog to make money.  I don’t blog because I’m trying to be the latest up-and-comer.

The fact is, I blog because I enjoy the people I’ve met and the connections I’ve made.

As flamboyant, outrageous, and in-your-face as she is, Nic is one of those people.

There are lots of things her and I don’t see eye-to-eye on.  This isn’t the first and won’t be the last.

But I’ve decided to stop imposing my expectations, insecurities, and judgments on her, and just be a friend again.

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27 Responses to That Which Shall Not Be Named

  • Ali says:

    I don’t have a clue what has transpired, but you are doing the right thing, by being a friend. HUGS.
    .-= Ali´s last blog ..MakeoverMomma Feature =-.

  • Deanie says:

    I don’t get it. I read her story and I kinda believe it. That might be because I’ve never been to America, I don’t know about the security stuff and staff over there.
    I just don’t get the problem; is she a person who’s lying a lot? Does she make up things?
    Anyways, your decision about being a friend again sounds really good to me.
    .-= Deanie´s last blog ..the 6th week =-.

  • Kate says:

    As someone who adores both you and Nic, this makes me happy.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Planning My Handmade Christmas =-.

  • Heather says:

    I couldn’t love you more right now if I tried!!! Xoxo

  • Lisa says:

    As someone who has stood by Nic through this whole thing I think this is huge. My take on it from the beginning has been that she believes her story to be true, this is how her mind believes it happens and because of that she needs our support. I can see where the other side is coming from, I can see why people are hurt and choose to cut ties but I’m glad to see that some of us have chosen to stand beside her and support her and be her friend.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Maybe She’s Born With It… =-.

  • mel says:

    You took the time you needed to consider and it sounds like the history between you two was a strong enough bond. Being a good friend can be hard and those are lucky who make it to the other side. It takes commitment, patience and understanding. I try to teach this to my daughter everyday. Thanks for sharing.

  • That’s it. We are so not friends anymore.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Sara @heartmychloe,

    Ummmm… you’re kidding, right??????

  • Avasmommy says:

    Jenn you have to do what’s right for you. I’m glad for you that you’ve been able to put the issue aside and just go back to being friends. I would never hold that against you.

    For me, I just don’t feel I can’t trust her but my relationship was not as close or of the same length. I didn’t feel I could continue a relationship with someone I couldn’t trust. To say I have trust issues is an understatement. What I’m saying is it’s not for me to tell you not to be friend with her just as it’s not for you to tell me I have to be her friend. ( not that you ever would). Ok I’ve rambled long enough. Love you.
    .-= Avasmommy´s last blog ..I Will Let This Song Speak For Me. Happy 2 Years, Maddie. =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Avasmommy,

    I totally understand that, and I know you’ve been hurt terribly by this.

    I guess my thing as far as the trust issue goes – To not trust would mean I think she’s flat out lying about what happened. And I don’t think she is. I think she’s believes what happened to her. I don’t have to agree with her view of it, though.

    I don’t expect you to decide to be friends with her, though, just because I’ve resumed that relationship. Only you can decide what’s best for you.

    Loves you.

  • Maria says:

    In the past, I’ve had too many friendships with people who exaggerate on a regular basis. When you have to question levels of reality when someone’s talking to you, whether the subject is super serious or mundane, it’s exhausting and it sucks.

    I get hyperbole once in a while, but I don’t get being “dramatic” about everything. At the end of the day, I just want to have normal conversations with my friends without wondering how much I’m hearing is bullshit or exaggeration for entertainment’s sake or exaggeration due to mental illness or exaggeration due to whatever.

    It dilutes the truth when the truth is important. It makes you question everything you hear.

    Maybe those relationships have made me a more guarded person.

    Nic lost my trust I won’t be giving it back. I need to be able to trust my friends.

    That being said, I admire you for your perspective and willingness to forgive. I hope, dearly, that you’re treated fairly in your friendship.

    And I’m not gonna stop talking to you just because you’re willing to give a friend a second chance. :)
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..My boner manifesto. (And by my boner, I mean my imagination. Obviously.) =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Maria,

    Thank you. As always, I appreciate and respect your perspective on things.

  • Vixen says:

    I wrote this during the time, because for me it just kinda summed up the entire thing. Just my two cents, for whatever that is worth. Not may people caught it or read it, but I’ll share it again:
    http://vixensden.com/?p=1656

    Love you because you are my Celtic Kiss and eh? sister.
    .-= Vixen´s last blog ..WW~God Bless Our Veterans =-.

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    Thank you for sharing how difficult this has been for you, and thank you for giving us another perspective – something else to think about. Trust is *such* a tenuous thing, and once it’s been broken, it’s so very hard for either party to recover from: it’s pretty damned hard for the person whose trust has been broken to move on, and it’s pretty damned hard for the person who broke the trust to ever make up for it. And as you said, when you have a situation where both parties strongly believe something different, it can be almost impossible to move past the difference in opinions. You should be commended for being able to see your friend through all the mire and making the decision to be there for her.
    .-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Product review: Almay One Coat Mascara =-.

  • Voldemort.
    .-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..vultures =-.

  • No matter what the actual truth of Nic’s story may be, you are a good friend to have.
    .-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..All I want for Christmas is Nanerpus =-.

  • Jen says:

    Only you and Nic know your friendship. And I find it a teensy bit sad that maybe you feel like you have to justify it now. We all could have more, better friends. And you each are very lucky to have a friendship that can endure. That can overcome challenges or surprises. You are a good friend. And that is enough.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..On your mark, get set, go! =-.

  • Ashleigh says:

    For the most part I have completely stayed out of the mess. I know some people blogged their responses to the incident, others went so far as to begin antagonizing Nic on her website, email, etc. As someone who retweeted it and even posted it on her facebook, I admit I was upset that it appeared I’d been made a fool. I backed up and just watched the events unfold. Not get too caught up in the drama that ensued. For the record, I completely believe that Nic’s view on what happened is what she really believes happened. And for the record, I do believe it may have something to do with PTSD that she’s spoken of in the aftermath of what happened to her nine years ago.

    I didn’t have a close relationship with Nic, I still don’t. But Jenn I believe you and I have gotten to know each other pretty well and I just want to say that I admire you. You are not afraid to stand up for what you believe even if you go against the ebbs and flows of the blogosphere. You are strong and opinionated and you’re not afraid to show it.

    I know this has probably been tough for you the last couple of weeks as it’s pretty well known that you and Nic are good friends. A lot of the fallout has landed in your lap and that is not fair. But I admire the way you are able to sort it through and still come out on her side.

    Most of us should be so lucky to have a friend like you.
    .-= Ashleigh´s last blog ..Cream Puffs for Maddie. =-.

  • Jillian says:

    Only you can decide what your boundaries are and how your friendships will be. It’s not up to us. I totally understand why you felt the need to justify this. On the internet, if you make a decision, even if it’s a heartfelt one, you risk a backlash that doesn’t quite seem fair. Stay true to you. The rest will fall into place.
    .-= Jillian´s last blog ..Dear Prudence =-.

  • I get it. Because I am there and figuring stuff out. I appreciate your candor and your compelling words. Thanks.
    .-= Aidan Donnelley Rowley @ Ivy League Insecurities´s last blog ..Broccoli & Cheetos (a.k.a. My Life) =-.

  • I don’t agree with you, but that’s at least partly my own experience. Trust destroyed is hard to rebuild. I’ve been burned too many times in the past. That, combined with the fact that I was just a reader/follower, and didn’t have that strong connection that you guys had, means I won’t be likely to go back to reading/following in this case.

    BUT…I do admire your determination to do what *you* feel is the right thing, regardless of what other people think/say/do. You ROCK that confidence thang! :)
    .-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..Grammar Nazi =-.

  • Leslie says:

    I admire you as a friend and I understand how, as a friend, sometimes it’s harder to hold a grudge or hold someone at arm’s length rather than to forgive. One of my best childhood friends started sleeping with my boyfriend in college and then lied to me (everyone else in the dorm knew) for months about it–I forgave her and still invited her to my wedding a few years later. So I get it, and I commend you for being a great friend.

    Like some of the others above, I’ve stayed out of this too. I don’t think this “story” can be attributed to exaggeration or dramatization–it’s just too different from the video (and I know we’re not still arguing that the video was tampered with, right?). It’s just too different. Here’s the equivalent: You’re sitting at a stop light and someone comes to your car window and asks you to donate money to a charity. Then, after you say “no” and calmly drive away, you pull into a police station and tell them the story about how someone at the red light just tried to carjack you at knife point and you had to stomp on the gas pedal, speeding through the red light, and narrowly missing oncoming cars. Oh, and he tried to steal your kid in the back seat. Seriously. Would it be any excuse that you actually believed that’s what happened? Of course not.

    I guess my point is that this wasn’t a dramatization, this was a lie, plain and simply. She got caught and she won’t admit that it was a lie. The only other option is that she hallucinated the entire episode, and if that’s the case then Nic’s friends and family members really need to be concerned about her on a much deeper level.

    I don’t want this to come across as a criticism of you AT ALL. That couldn’t be further from my intention. For months I’ve “watched” Nic create and insert herself into drama and I’ve watched you and others rally to her side and lift her up. When this whole thing came to light, I was upset for you and the others, as an outsider. It’s good to hear that Nic has returned the favor enough to you in the form of friendship that you’re willing to step in, once again, and lift her up. Anyone should be lucky enough to have a friend like you.

  • Laura M says:

    I just wanted to say your a great friend and inspiration to us all. I stayed out of the whole drama situation and just followed, however I know alot of people that were hurt by what went down. I do believe that Nic believes her side of the story, as does TSA. I am glad that you are such a strong person to be able to follow through with the friendship through this. However, I do feel bad for all my “internet” friends that are hurt by the whole situation. Hugs to you my friend for always speaking your mind and heart. Those who have hateful things to say, can eat your dirt!
    .-= Laura M´s last blog ..Update =-.

  • becky says:

    I think you’re awesome for saying what you think and for standing up for yourself, even if not everyone agrees with you.
    .-= becky´s last blog ..Not as planned =-.

  • AmazingGreis says:

    You must do what is right for you, and no one can change that. And no one should want to change that. EVERYONE, regardless of their situation, needs good friends. You are a good friend, and Nic is lucky to have you!
    .-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to ME… =-.

  • *hugs*

    You’re a true friend Jenn. Nic is lucky to have you.

    A true friend is someone who speaks up and takes the bull by the horns. The ones who continue to talk, speculate and gossip – knowing they are hurting someone by spreading what THEY believe to be true – they don’t deserve even the time of day.
    .-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..Eighteen and counting =-.

  • Lu says:

    I am so glad for you both that you have been able to come to this point. I guess if Nic cared about our realtionship she would reach out to me. I never shut the door, I gave benefit of the doubt, I stood up to the ugliness that was un-called for. Yet here I am still in the dark. Honestly? Missing her.
    I have so much respect for your writing and saying what you feel. No matter what.
    .-= Lu´s last blog ..Meme Time Again (Yes I do memes. Yes I like them. No, I don’t care what a Facebook quiz would say about that.) =-.

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