What a Woman REALLY Wants (Relationship Series: Part 2)

You can find the series intro here: Relationships – An Intro
And Part 1 here: Open Yourself to the Possibilities


Part 2 of this series was originally going to delve into some of the conversations and discussion Bil and I had after Mr. O revealed his alternate marriage and lifestyle choices that I detailed in Part 1.

That was until I started getting question after question via DM, email, and a few in the comments about “BDSM?? Isn’t it just a way for a man to abuse his partner?” and “What about a woman’s point of view?”. catkit What a Woman REALLY Wants (Relationship Series: Part 2)

Uhhhh….

After squirming for a bit on how I was going to answer those, the gorgeous Cat, Mommy Geekology, swooped in and saved me. I owe her some really kinky sex, or maybe just a drink, when we meet up.

Cat and her husband, A, are in a closed marriage (they only play with each other… right now).

By day Mommy Geekology is Type A all the way. But turn out the lights and close the door, and she becomes a sweet, submissive plaything for A. Add a ball gag and you have a very happy Cat indeed.

Because you all know how nosy I am, I forced asked Cat really nicely to answer some questions about her lifestyle.

As you did with Mr. O, all I ask is that you keep an open mind regardless of your own preferences. And then talk about it. If you have questions, ask them. If you need more information, let us know.

Without further ado, the stunningly sexy Cat, aka Mommy Geekology:

How long have you and your husband been married?

We’ve been married almost 5 years (our anniversary is January 26th), and that’s about as long as we’ve known each other. We got married about 6 months after we met. When it’s right, it’s right.

Did you explore BDSM before you were married (ie, is this something you just started exploring with your husband, or is it something you were into before)?

I was interested in BDSM before we married, before we met – but I hadn’t really explored it much with other partners. A was the first man I felt comfortable discussing it with.. and even so, I still sometimes shy away from telling him what I really want.

Who initiated the play in your marriage (ie. how did you have the conversation around wanting BDSM in your marriage)?

I initiated, and I was incredibly nervous about it. I think I’ve completely blocked the conversation from my mind from the trauma of it all, but A tells me that I was sitting at the computer in his tiny Air Force dorm room and said out of the blue – “I think you should tie me up and have sex with me.” I’m incredibly subtle. Luckily he was also excited by that idea, and we started to experiment.

You’re obviously not afraid to talk about your play, but is it something that’s widely know in your circle of friends / family.

My mom *thinks* she knows because she saw a ball gag in our closet one day. She has no idea the extent, though. My friends do know, to some extent. There are a few that I’ve discussed my likes and dislikes in details, but mostly I’ve just touched lightly on my kink preferences. I’ve even made reference to it in my blog. (I was really surprised how many kinky commenters I had!)

What is your role in your BDSM play? Do you (or would you ever want to) switch?

I’m a sub. I wouldn’t want to switch, male subs are not at all attractive to me. I’m bi-sexual, so I could possibly see acting the role of Dom to a female sub, but I think it’s unlikely. I enjoy subbing too much. A lot of people mistake the power in a sub. It’s a very powerful thing to give someone else complete control over your body. There’s a lot of trust there. It’s a choice I make, and there’s a power in that choice.

Further to that, is that a role that continues outside of the bedroom?

Absolutely not. I’m a real Type-A personality, and A is a little more laid back. I think part of the reason that we enjoy BDSM play so much is that it allows us to be the opposite of who we are in “real life” – I get a chance to let someone else make the decisions, and he gets a chance to have absolute power (within reason).

Do you refer to your husband as Sir or Master inside or outside the bedroom and why / why not?

Inside the bedroom, yes. I switch between both, though often I don’t use any sort of honorific. Typically because I’m gagged – that’s a major turn on for me. Probably because I’m such a talker outside of the bedroom. (Oh, Hai! I’m a blogger! Narcissism, anyone?) Outside of the bedroom, absolutely not. Never. No fucking way. Ok let me modify that. If we were playing a scene that included some public aspects – then yes. We’ve discussed going to dinner in our “roles” and then retreating to a hotel for a night of mind-blowing sex. I plan to wear a remote control vibrating thong. RAWR. As for why or why not… we don’t follow a 24/7 lifestyle – there are those who do it, and honestly more power to them… but I couldn’t. I have a completely separate part of myself – my “real life’ self – that needs to get out and live. I couldn’t stifle that in favor of a 24/7 submissive lifestyle.

Are there any rules that your husband has for you that you are required to follow?

Not yet – but I’ve been wanting to ask him about this, because I definitely would like some bedroom-only “rules” to follow.

Do you have an ‘ownership’ charm / bracelet / collar / cuffs that you wear? If so, how do you feel about this?

I don’t, but I would like something discrete. Not a collar, but maybe a bracelet or anklet. I think it’s sort of similar to a tattoo – though less permanent – just a symbolization of one part of me. A part of me that I refuse to be ashamed about.

Can you speak to concerns of abuse or control in BDSM relationships?

One of the most important concepts in BDSM play is “consensual” play – the concept that we are all consenting adults who are fully aware of and responsible for our actions. I personally would never play or scene with someone that I didn’t trust with my life. Giving that sort of power – the power to immobilize me – is not something to be given lightly or without great consideration. If someone was considering playing with BDSM I’d tell them to start light. Find someone you trust. Don’t just meet someone online or head to your local leather club, because you never know when something can go wrong. Make sure your safe word/gesture is communicated clearly and multiple times, and make sure that the person(s) you are scening with will respect those words. If you have a doubt, don’t start. Make sure someone knows where you are and who you’re with.

I’m sure there are couples or individuals out there participating in a BDSM relationship that went sour – has transitioned from play into abuse or was abuse from the start. It makes me sick to think about, honestly. At that point, it’s not BDSM anymore. It’s just abuse. The best advice is to ensure that you trust who you’re with from the start. If things go sour, or you misjudged, get out. There are plenty of domestic violence advocates out there, and yes – that’s what it is if your partner is abusing you during sex. Reach out and get help.

What’s your favorite thing about having a marriage where BDSM play is involved?

I love the opportunity to completely immerse myself in the scene. The chance to be someone that I can’t be during the day. Within the context of the scene there are a lot of things I feel more comfortable saying or doing… things I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing or saying during “vanilla” sex. It’s a chance for release, and a chance to relax, really.

How do you find / make time to do scenes with your husband?

We love to get a hotel room but that’s usually not an option. When we get a home, we plan to have a separate room – locked, possibly hidden – just for scenes, but for now we manage wherever we can, once the kids are safely asleep. That usually means staying up late, but it’s worth it.

You mentioned in your comment on my first post that you would consider bringing people into play. What sort of rules do you think would be important to make something like that a success?

Complete honesty and agreement between the two of us. It would have to be a female, and probably a sub, though we’d consider a Dom. It would have to be someone we know well and trust… I could never grab a stranger from a club or off Craigslist. Most importantly though, I think it would be a long discussion. We’d consider over a few days, if not weeks – not a few hours. We’d likely have a discussion with that third individual to ensure that expectations are managed well and everyone is on the same page. It would be worth the time to prevent any possible negative fallout from assumptions, misplaced emotion or anything else.

If your husband came to you and wanted to open the marriage and play with someone else, would you consider it?

A would likely never come to me with it – it’s not something he’s interested in, and honestly not something I think I’m interested in. We enjoy BDSM together – I don’t trust anyone else enough to play or scene with them, and he doesn’t either. I’m not sure if it’s the stage of our relationship or simply the way our love works, but I don’t think we could do it without jealousy coming into play and souring the experience and likely our marriage.

Do you think there will ever be a time where you’ll grow tired of the BDSM play?

I doubt it. I’ve enjoyed the sensations of BDSM play, the thought of it, since I was about 8. No, I didn’t have a partner or even know what it was – I was a virgin until 19 – but I used to get incredibly squirmy reading Nancy Drew books when she was captured by the bad guys, or those cartoons with the damsel in distress on the train tracks. I knew something was up long before I admitted it to myself.

Do you think that continued BDSM play forces people to further extremes (ie. the more you push boundaries, the more you have to push them for the experience)?

This is a tough question. Personally, I don’t think so. I think your limits – your ultimate limits – are your limits. I don’t consider BDSM a sort of gateway sexual experience that leads to more “depraved” acts or extreme sexual preferences. If you enjoy asphyxiation, I think you’re going to get to it eventually under the right circumstances, no matter what you try first. It’s not a drug, and I don’t think you build up a “tolerance”. We all like to spice things up once in a while – just like any couple. Vanilla sex doesn’t push people to further extremes – so I don’t see why BDSM would either.

I want to give huge props to Cat for willing to talk to us so openly about something so personal. Thank you so much for giving us a glimpse into your life.

You can find Cat on Twitter, and her Mommy Geekology blog

 What a Woman REALLY Wants (Relationship Series: Part 2)
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17 Responses to What a Woman REALLY Wants (Relationship Series: Part 2)

  • Chibi Jeebs says:

    Okay, my Cat-crush may have just increased. ;) I love your honesty and simple explanations.

    “It’s a very powerful thing to give someone else complete control over your body. There’s a lot of trust there. It’s a choice I make, and there’s a power in that choice.”

    This is mind-blowing to me. I’m struggling with the concept of trust at the moment, and the thought of giving up complete control is both mind-bogglingly scary and intensely intriguing.
    .-= Chibi Jeebs´s last blog ..Good Enough =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Chibi Jeebs,
    Isn’t Cat just the best? I always had a Cat-crush too? But now, I may just have to start stalking her (and I’m only sort of joking about that)

  • Avasmommy says:

    As complete and total control freak, I cannot imagine giving up my power in any way shape or form. I don’t think there is anyone on this planet I would trust enough, not even my own husband. (I realize that will raise a few brows, let’s just say we have some trust issues).

    Kudos to Cat for being so open and honest. It’s not easy to talk about things like this publicly. Maybe if we had more open discussions like this, people would stop looking at anything other than the missionary position as “freaky”.
    .-= Avasmommy´s last blog ..Happy Christmahanukwanzaka =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Avasmommy,

    You know, Jenna, I’m a complete, grade A, control freak to. Like off the wall, need to control EVERYTHING. (ask Bil… drives him nuts)

    But that’s why something like this can be interesting and fun. IF (and that’s a big if) you can find someone you trust enough to give up control to for a short moment in time, it can be very freeing.

  • Kekibird says:

    Wow…I’m not sure who I’m more turned on by, Miss Geekology or Miss Princess. Thank you both for discussing and sharing these intimate details and thoughts. Our world is so big it’s fascinating to learn of another area.

    Though I can’t express my relationship on my blog due to my grandmother reading it, I can attest that each person has their own version of “sexy” or “pleasure”. And mine falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between vanilla and BDSM. It’s nice to know there are other mommies/wives with a similar sexual preference.

    Now…is it too early to let my SO open his Nice/Naughty stocking for Christmas? This conversation has me revved up and ready to use our new “toys” :o)

    Love to you both!

    Jenn Reply:

    @Kekibird,

    Well if you need a place to express, you’re free to guest post your kink on my blog. lol

    And I love the idea of the Nice/Naughty stocking. Can’t believe I never thought of that. I bow down to your superior Christmas kink ;-)

  • mel says:

    I’ve always found Cat interesting, this just adds to it. Very honest. And true. Loved the interview and the women’s point of view. Would love to hear from a women in an open marriage

    Jenn Reply:

    @mel,

    lol. I’ll work on finding you an woman in an open marriage who’s willing to spill it all, just for you Mel!! It would be interesting, though, because there are bound to be different dynamics at play.

  • Mr. O says:

    Hello Princess Jenn,

    I just had the opportunity to read mommygeekology’s comments and I thought if all were in agreement, I would throw my 2 cents in if anyone cared.

    I have noticed that many comments regarding BDSM on this blog have stated that they find it mind blowing, or fascinating, and one particular comment stated that in no way could they ever give up their control and I thought I would chime in, although many here may be a bit tired of Mr. O… How I got that name, I will have to ask Jenn! Lol

    This lifestyle is certainly not for everyone, and to live in a D/s lifestyle 24/7 is next to impossible with careers, kids and other obligations. But, again, to play or scene with a trusted partner, be it spousal, friend or whathave you is paramount. Many individuals that participate in Power Exchange are completely opposite in their personal and professional lives. This lifestyle can allow an escape for both parties involved. Essentially, it is consensual Fantasy Role-play that allows consenting adults to break away from the mundane and explore fantasies in a controlled and safe environment with someone that cares for them…. See More

    So many have mentioned “trust issues” within their own relationships and that is paramount. You cannot give power or accept power from seine that you can’t trust. Before even remotely contemplating anything like this, those lines of communication and trust MUST be in place. Period.

    I currently am assisting a “bedroom submissive” in relation to her internal need to be dominated, and her husband is very understanding and accepts this as something she needs and he cannot or will not be able to do for her. Again, we have a mutual trust and have set ground rules for this.

    One thing that I want to mention… Many have the misconception that D/s play always involves sexual activity, this is not true. Many get satisfaction from the power exchange in itself and have no sexual contact with their play partners.

    As Cat may well be able to attest to… There is a state of euphoria that can be achieved by someone in a submissive role commonly referred to as “Sub-space”, and I have achieved this with they majority of slaves that I have had over the years and from all reports… If done correctly and the aftercare is essential here, it can make a sexual orgasm seem like instant coffee. Think of it as a mental and psychological orgasm.

    Play does not have to involve whips, chains, restraints or the like, although don’t get me wrong, for many of us, that’s great fun, it can be something as simple as, say, a type A female telling her more reserved or laid back partner… ” I don’t want the nicety, nice missionary style, I want you to take control, flip me over, fuck the shit out of me, pull my hair and be done with it, take me, and do it hard!
    But… Above all else, understand that this is not for everyone and that if at anytime you decide to test the waters… Establish ground rules, safewords and above all else… Never, ever allow any play partners to cause injury to you. It’s about mutual enjoyment and if someone is not playing for fun… Stop playing.

    And dear god… Don’t look for a play partner in a bar or Craigslist!! That can get you killed.

    Play safe and above all else, be you Dominant or submissive, HAVE FUN… otherwise, what’s the point!

    ~Mr. O

    mommygeekology Reply:

    @Mr. O, all excellent points! Thanks for piping up here. You bring up a lot of essential safety issues, and expanded quite a bit on what I talked about. My husband and I are still working on achieving “sub-space” for me – we really don’t get to play often enough, dammit! – but I am certainly looking forward to *that*.

    For me, the sexual aspect is important, but you’re definitely right to mention that it’s not necessary or required – a lot of folks just love the power exchange.
    .-= mommygeekology´s last blog ..Have a very kinky Christmas =-.

  • Michelle P. says:

    Kudos Jenn, am enjoying the series. You’ve got some balls to open up conversations like these.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Michelle P.,
    Ha! I don’t know if it’s balls or that I’m just not smart enough to know how to have a nice, clean, family blog. lol

  • PB and Jazz says:

    This is a very interesting series. You educate me in all different ways Jenn. :-)
    .-= PB and Jazz´s last blog ..Crazy Crazy Week Part II =-.

    Jenn Reply:

    @PB and Jazz,
    That sounds like a really nice way of saying “Wow, way too much information! I’m going to wash my eyes out with bleach now!”
    lol

  • Pingback: The UnMarriage (Relationship Series: Part 3)

  • Kellee says:

    Thanks for the insight, Cat (and the avenue, Jenn). This is the kind of healthy explanation I like to see!
    .-= Kellee´s last blog ..All the beauty of the world, ’tis but skin deep. =-.

  • Al_Pal says:

    I’d been meaning to read this series since the Intro went up.
    Very, very cool to see non-standard things being normalized.
    ;D
    .-= Al_Pal´s last blog ..My new creative outlet: Bread Puddings! =-.

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