I definitely see monogamy as more of a social construct. How much is my spirit & how much is reading sci-fi from a youngish age? I don’t know. ;p
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Now, we’ve been married 7 years and I recently found out that he cheated on me repeatedly while we were dating. It just changes things. Cheating is completely different from playing. His guilt surrounding what he did makes him feel terrified that I’m going to find someone else I’d rather be with – male OR female. It’s something we’ve been struggling with for a few months, and are going to counseling for.

It’s interesting how something he used to be OK with is now terrifying to him. And because I know he’s not OK with it, I would NEVER play, but he’s afraid it’s a “need” I have, and would possibly do in the heat of the moment, without his permission.

Gah, this comment is getting long and WOW, not something I thought I’d share on the internet. Great series!
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ROFL! Dessert hey… a little bit of whipping creme here… some chocolate sauce and strawberries there… lol

I agree with you, though. If people were allowed to live in the manner that made them happy and without the judgment of others who don’t understand, life really would be happier for so many.

I have been struggling to respond to this. I do understand exactly where you’re coming from.

What needs to be taken into account, though, is those of us who maintain open relationships like this generally don’t think the same way as most of the population. We have the unique (strange?) ability to separate love from sex. So when I’m interacting with someone in a play encounter, it’s sex. There is an intimacy there, but love and all those smushy, mushy feelings are reserved for Bil alone. I’m happy with him and I don’t WANT anyone else. I’m not looking for anyone else. And because I don’t apply the emotional feeling to my play partner(s), there is a separation.

As soon as you step foot out of the house, you are running the risk of finding someone who suits you better. Every person you meet, you talk to, has that potential. You don’t need an open marriage, or to cheat, to find someone who’s a better match for you. And I honestly don’t think being in an open relationship makes it any more likely.

In some ways an open relationship is safer. Because there are rules around any encounter and every partner. If feelings start to develop for your play partner, play ends. That’s it. There is no other option. Because your primary devotion, focus, and importance in your life is your spouse. Always. And it would be disrespectful and tantamount to cheating if you pursue a play relationship where those feelings are involved. The knowledge that this is the situation is part of where trust really comes into play. You trust your partner to end the relationship if feelings start.

I think what you need to understand is we’re not going outside our relationship because we’re unhappy in our current relationship. In fact, with the higher level of communication and understanding, I could argue that we’re happier than most couples. So we’re not actively looking for something better.

And Bil never has to fear that I will leave him because he trusts that my devotion is to him and him alone. It takes a very special relationship with your spouse to even consider opening it up to other people.

And let me just touch on STD’s for a moment. This is always a concern. And exactly why I only play with people I know well and who’s sexual style I know well. There are a ton of rules in place here too. Condoms are a must. There are lots of precautions taken. It’s not an area or topic taken lightly by those who play because that would be disrespectful to your spouse.

The bottom line is that this type of relationship isn’t for everyone. It takes a very different mindset and that ability to separate the feelings from the act.

It’s an interesting point you make. But in the case of Bil and I, only I play. He has the *option* to, but he probably will never exercise that option. That’s just what works for us. I constantly check in with him to make sure he’s still OK with the arrangement and he is, so… I think it does take, perhaps, an extra level of trust and respect to maintain a relationship like this and it’s certainly not for everyone.

Love the discussions and thought being brought to the surface through these posts. It is an open and interesting world out there and if we each learned to live with what is best for us and know that what Jane Doe does may not work for us and that’s ok, life would be so much happier for many people.
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That is a difficult question to answer. Mike and I are pretty open to change in the world around us and accepting of others choices. In other words, today’s social environment doesn’t bother us they way it does some other old folks. But the question is difficult because it has a ‘depends’ in the answer.

If we are the same people (inside) we are today, then no. I don’t think today’s social environment would have changed how things worked for us. However, if we had grown up in a different environment and been raised in a different lifestyle? Then possibly I think today’s social environment may have affected how our relationship worked. But then again, our souls know each other. So who knows, it might still have all come out the same.
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Now, putting on my “devil’s advocate” hat:

You (and Mr. O) say that the bottom line is trust and that you always know that you and your partner or going home to each other. But at some point, it was mentioned (Mr. O’s post?) that IF you would happen to come across someone who “fits” with you better than your current partner, you would be honest with your partner and split. The argument being that it happens sometimes dishonestly (i.e., cheating) – wouldn’t it be better if it all happened openly/honestly?

This seems to me like you ARE actually opening yourselves up to at least the POSSIBILITY of finding someone else. If the relationship was not open, you wouldn’t be taking that chance. As much as I’d like to think that I’d be the big person, and be happy for Hubs if he found someone who suited him better, the reality is that it would be somewhat devastating, and would totally suck, considering that I’D still be devoted to HIM and the world would be turned upside down for J and I. Just as much as if he had dishonestly “cheated” in a closed relationship.

So, does that mean I don’t “trust” him. I’m not sure trust is entirely the appropriate word. I think fear might be more accurate. I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that I’d always have a little bit of fear that he would find someone else and leave me and J. I’d also have a little fear of sexually transmitted diseases. Even though precautions could be taken, there’s always still a risk.

I love this series and the fact that it’s thought-provoking on a different level than what you typically find on blogs. Thanks for provoking my thoughts.

Love you big time!
xoxox
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