Sex Positive

One of the highlights of my BlogHer trip was finally getting to meet and spend time with ToyWithMe. She is absolutely as fabulous in person as she is online.  Her ToyWithMe persona is not just some online facade. It is truly who she is, through and through.

When it comes to talking about sex, and being sex positive, she is frank, unabashed, and unashamed. It’s utterly fascinating to watch her speak with other women.

At the same time it’s interesting to watch these women go from squeamish and squirming about the topic, to grilling her about correct use of sex toys, all while standing in the middle of the conference floor.

What I tried to figure out is, what is it about ToyWithMe that allows people to feel safe enough that they can open up and have that sex positive dialogue with her?

Then I realized, a better question is – why isn’t there more of that going on?

Most of the people I chat with on my blog and twitter, are mothers. Most of my friends in real life have kids. Generally, having kids = having sex at some point in time.

And yet this continues to be a taboo topic, quietly whispered about in corners. And some women are afraid to even opening the conversation for fear of being labeled ‘over-sharers’.

We’re all adults here, right? (and if you’re not over 18, you shouldn’t be reading my blog, so stop it right now).

Why is sex such a difficult topic for us? Why are we so embarrassed to discuss it?

Maybe it’s just that my filter is broken. I have no problem discussing sex.

Perhaps it’s that I’m comfortable with who I am.  I also have no problem with another women changing in front of me. It doesn’t make me any more uncomfortable than it would having my husband change in front of me. They’re a person, they have a body. Yay. I mean, really? What’s to be uncomfortable about? We all have the same parts, right? It’s not like i don’t know what they look like.

I can remember being embarrassed as a kid in the change room of the local swimming pool. I mean, OMG, what if someone SAW me!  *dies*

I have no idea when I finally got over that. But I did. It’s just a non-issue now.

But that brings me to Vista and how she’ll view herself growing up.

One of my ultimate challenges in life is going to be figuring out how to raise my daughter as sex positive, while stripping the hypersexualization that media encourages in young girls.

Yes, those are two VERY different things.

I want her to embrace who she is as a female and be proud of what she looks like. I want her to view sex as a normal, healthy thing (between CONSENTING ADULTS).  I want her to be free to express her sexuality and ask questions.  And I want her to know she can do all of that without dressing, looking, and acting, like a two-bit tramp.

I think it’s time we start educating our girls (and other women!) to be empowered, rather than embarrassed.

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17 Responses to Sex Positive

  • Angi says:

    I agree with this post 100%. Will you write a book on how….quickly…because I find a constant struggle between what I tell my daughter and what shows up on TV, magazines, school, in her friends’ conversations. I will not give up!

    Jenn Reply:


    It’s interesting how those two messages (what we want them to hear and what the see and hear in the media) are sometimes polar opposites. That scares me, big time. No wonder there are so many kids growing up with body dysmorphia

  • Aunt Becky says:

    Since I do write about sex openly, I am with you on this. I don’t understand why it’s still such a weird topic for some and why some people are all, “ZOMG YOU WRITE THAT?!?!” Because frankly, why SHOULDN’T I?

    Jenn Reply:

    @Aunt Becky,

    LMAO. I love how some people can’t even say *sex*. It’s ‘THAT WHICH MUST NOT BE NAMED’

    Huh… maybe Voldemort in Harry Potter is just a euphemism for sex….

  • I totally agree! I tell myself internally how I want to be open, not embarrassed and proud to be the woman in the body I have. I think it became especially important when my daughter was born with a physical difference. I think the more conversations we have as grownups – the better we’ll get at talking to our daughters (and sons).

    Jenn Reply:

    @Jen Lee Reeves,

    That’s another piece of the puzzle that concerns me. How does the message need to be changed / altered / reinforced since my daughter is special needs.

    I think it becomes doubly important to make sure they’re confident with who they are, and not let their differences define them.

  • becky says:

    most of my friends and family are pretty open about sex. we talk about it a lot and either laugh when we’re being funny or really listen when we’re being serious. how can you NOT talk about it? i was just at jennster’s this past weekend and we talked about sex all the freakin time. it was so funny cause the guys just didn’t expect that from us. i heart sex and i’m not ashamed!

  • Michelle P. says:

    ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto!!

    And it goes for boys too. Working on the message that it’s a normal, positive thing. Not always easy. Here’s a recent conversation.

    Son “Why do I have to sleep in my room on the weekends?”
    Me “Cause Dad and I need adult private time”
    Son “What do you do for adult private time?”
    Me “Are you sure you want to know?”
    Son “Yes.”
    Me “We have sex.”
    Son “Oh.”

    toywithme Reply:

    @Michelle P., EXCELLENT answer!! Thank God some woman are not afraid to be open and honest with their kids – kudos to you ;)

  • Nadine says:

    I totally agree with you.

  • Totally agree, though I have to admit, my daughter isn’t old enough to start discussing these things yet – thank gawd! I know that with my female friends, there are very few that I talk sex with, mostly because they seem uncomfortable with it. Which is too bad, because we could have some pretty good discussions. LOL


    toywithme Reply:

    @nic @mybottlesup, Pic or I call bullshit :P

  • Great post. I agree that having ToyWithMe, and Eden Fantasys, there & such a visible part of BlogHer contributed greatly to the sex-positive environment.

    I don’t know why people can’t talk about sex, I just know most don’t like to unless it’s one-on-one and euphemism-ridden!

  • MommyGeek says:

    A good point for sure. I talk about sex on my blog from time to time – and even on this blog, ha! – and I’ve been saying I am going to create a category and talk about it more. But even I, the “sexually liberated” woman that I am … sometimes I even hesitate.

  • toywithme says:

    Jenn thanks for the shout out!! You were exactly as I thought you would be and MORE! I’m in total L<3VE with you ;)

    So glad to see those commenting believe in being more open in regards to talking about sex.

  • Kellee says:

    Sing it, sister. I don’t mind having the conversation, at all. I’m not as comfortable with the rest of it, as you are. I’m trying, though. :) Always trying.

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