Right Now

There are conversations you should never have to have with a friend.

“If something happens to me… if he does something to me… will you post it on my blog so people know?”

It’s a post I never want to write.  But it’s drafted in my head, just in case.  And that ‘just in case’ makes me ill.

Your life is like a time bomb.

“He’s never hit me…” … yet.

“He’s never hurt the kids…” … yet.

His rage is slowly simmering,  though.  And one day just controlling your every move won’t be enough.

One day beating you down, emotionally, verbally, won’t be enough.

I hate this for you.

I hate that you’re trapped in this once happy life.

Right now, I want it to all go away for you.

Right now, I want you safe.

Right now, I want him out of your life.

But right now I sit waiting for the call that will make me open your blog and write the post that I never want to write.

The call that will shatter my heart into a million pieces.

The call that will make me hunt him down and hurt him as he’s hurt you.

And I wait.

And I hope.

But mostly I hurt for where you are in your life… right now.

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Domestic Abuse takes many shapes and forms.  It doesn’t have to be physical violence.  Isolation, manipulation, control, and psychological intimidation are all forms of abuse.

If you’re a victim of domestic abuse, you’re not alone.  There is help.

Please visit Violence Unsilenced or Hot Peach Pages for resources in your area.

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31 Responses to Right Now

  • Its so frustrating. You want to grab the friend and MAKE her leave. But you can’t.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Jenni Williams,
    Pretty much. Because leaving could be the catalyst that sends him over the edge. Shitty catch 22.

    Jenni Williams Reply:

    @Jenn, Shooting him in the balls sounds like a good solution too.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Jenni Williams,

    *snort* I was actually talking with another friend who knows the situation and people involved, about doing exactly that.

  • Dre says:

    You are a wonderful and amazing friend.

  • angi says:

    the only thing worse than being in your shoes…is being in hers. I hurt for you. I’ve been there and I couldn’t save her. Love to you…both of you. May you both find peace, RIGHT NOW.

  • i love her and i love you and i hate all of this with such an intense passion.

    i want to create a safe haven for her right now.

    like right the fuck now.

    Jenn Reply:

    @nic @mybottlesup,

    You and me both. Oh to be a millionaire…

  • Lisa says:

    It makes my heart hurt, it makes me shake with rage, it makes my physically ill to think of a woman in that position. My mom was in her shoes once and she had friends like you who helped her leave. You are an amazing friend. I just wish you, and more importantly your friend, were not in this position.

    Love and support to you both.

  • Jen says:

    Someone we knew once had a blow out fight with someone who would shortly thereafter become her ex. He threatened that if she ever left, she didn’t have the right to anything in the house. She came home from work to find the place they shared trashed, stuff broken so she couldn’t take it with her and crazy writing on the walls directed at her. Called us in shock, it was like he’d snapped.

    We told her, pack your stuff, pack your kid’s stuff, we’ll be there in ten minutes to help. Hubs practically duct taped me to a chair to make me stay home…he went, they packed up whatever they could in her truck and ours, and they came to live with us for the summer til they could get things figured out. No way was she going to be there when he got home from work. Just in case. Very scary stuff.

    Jenn Reply:

    @Jen,

    That’s exactly what scares me about this situation. One day he’s just going to snap. And who knows what will be the trigger will be.

  • PsychMamma says:

    My heart hurts for her because I WAS her 13 years ago, but without a blog and without a friend like you. Keep being there for her. It’s what she needs most right now. I’m sending every good wish for strength and courage to both her and you.

    xoxox

    Jenn Reply:

    @PsychMamma,

    I had no idea. I don’t think you’ve ever talked about it before. I’d love any advice you could send her way. Thanks love.

  • becky says:

    How sinister and cryptic and yet you’re a good friend for at least comforting THAT part of her…we all worry about something happening to us and how it will make it online so our friends will know. I hope this friend of yours is ok.

    Jenn Reply:

    @becky,

    I guess that depends on your definition of OK.
    She’s struggling to put together an escape plan, but at least that’s a step in the right direction

  • sara says:

    i have no idea what to say. :(

    hugs and prayers for you both.

  • dad says:

    Wow.

    My response would have been:

    “That’s a clearly broken situation (marriage, relationship, etc), if you can’t fix it get the hell out – and then I won’t have to post anything but a happy ending”

  • Kelly says:

    My heart hurts for her. p.s. I’m super good at speed-packing, if the need should ever arise. Just saying.

  • I don’t know who you are talking about but a friend of mine left an abusive situation seven weeks ago. I begged and pleaded with her to get out, she made the decision for herself and left one night with her kids. I am so proud of her, it was a very difficult decision but she is FREE and she is like a new person. She has caught hell for it. I caught hell for helping her and it ruined long term friendships but I would do it again. She is safe, they are all getting help. It’s tough being the friend waiting for the bomb to fall – I am so glad to have gotten a message in the night that said “I left and me and the kids are safe”.

  • Colleen says:

    LOVE YOU ALL!

    You are the best kind of friend. She is so lucky to know you. And vice versa. I hope you never have to write that post. But know we’ll all be here for you, and her, if you ever have to.

  • Tricia says:

    Powerful post Jenn. I hope that somehow she will be able to leave him, she deserves much, much better. Emotional abuse does often lead to physical, except sometimes women don’t even recognise emotional abuse or verbal abuse for what it is, because they’ve almost become numb to it. I never saw what was wrong in my situation, until I was almost a year out of it, and then what I did see, scared me to death. It could have been worse, but it wasn’t. Now I know the difference, I know more about not handing over my power with a reaction, but that can take years, especially if someone has been bullying you or putting you down for so long, that you actually believe it to be true. I’ll keep her in my prayers and her children and pray for strength for her to get out and get out soon. You are a great friend to be there, it’s the same with addiction, sometimes you can’t help someone till there is a bottom of their own admission, and I hope and pray that there won’t be something bad in this situation.

    Thanks for being courageous enough to write a post about what is often going on much more than we know – it hit home for me. Wish you’d been on my team a few years back, I might have avoided a lot of damage and hurt.

    Tricia : )

  • Wilbur says:

    In such a situation there are usually two fears at play. One is what will happen if I stay, and the other is what will happen if I leave. Experts will advise that verbal abuse leads to physical attacks on inanimate objects and usually escalates to physical attacks on a person. There is usually feelings of guilt, lack of self-worth and confidence involved along with helplessness. Your friend needs professional help – a trained therapist who can walk her through the steps to freedom and this needs to happen immediately. Every moment unresolved is an invitation for disaster.

    One of the hardest things for a person to go through is the feeling of helplessness to make a difference for someone else when they’re in such a tough situation. Do whatevever you can, follow your intuition and don’t be hard on yourself however it turns out.

  • Allyson says:

    It hurts just to read this, I can’t imagine what you must be going through as her friend. Hoping for the very very best possible outcome for your friend. And hoping that soon there is a way for her to be forever safe.

  • ally says:

    My blood runs cold reading this post, just like it did before. Such an unbelievable sitation. You are a great friend and she is lucky to have you, as you are her.

    I’m here for both of you.

  • Kellee says:

    What is truly alarming to me most about that post is that I can relate to your friend, and I had never thought about it in those terms before.

    I hope for her, and for everyone that cares about her, that she is able to move forward and away from what is causing this.

  • Sunday says:

    I hate that this is happening to any woman. To any human being. The fact that she is just waiting for the “next” time scares me even more. The next time could be more horrible than she could possibly imagine.

    I pray that she is able to find help from her friends, her family or a crisis intervention program in her area. I wish I could do so much more.

  • What an awful situation. You are a wonderful friend. Just keep staying in contact with her. Just keep telling her she deserves more, deserves better……I pray that her plan works.

  • Trapped in a “once happy life”.
    My heart goes out to your friend. She is lucky to have you, and other good friends in her life.

    If there is anything a stranger like me, across the country can do, let me know. Whether it’s a phone call, letter, blog post… you name it.

    PS- I am also not opposed to shooting someone in the balls.

  • katrina says:

    This makes my heart ache and my stomach turn. I don’t know who you are talking about, but I hope that every thing ends up ok! No one should have to live like that!

  • It sickens me to hear of physically and emotionally abusive domestic situations. I’m so sorry to hear that your friend is in a bad situation and I hope she gets the help she needs to get out of it. Sounds like you’re being a wonderful and supportive friend, something anyone in the type of situation needs the most!

    -Aimee

  • LL says:

    RUN AWAY! My aunt had an abusive husband. He ended up beating their 4 year old daughter to DEATH.

    Someone get her out of there….

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