Please Pass The Porn and Xanax

This is the time of the year when you start reading all these posts where people look towards 2011 and go on and on about how they’re going to make it their bitch.

Me?

Not so much.

For 2011 I just want to watch more porn and convince my doctor to give me a prescription for Xanax. (I know, you’re shocked I don’t already have one).

The reason for the Xanax (other than to deal with the demon spawn also know as my daughter) is because nothing stresses me out more than the thought of having to set goals for myself. We’re talking full blown hyperventilation.

When I used to be a corporate schmuck, I worked for a company that was all about goal setting. Every year you’d have to lay out, in glorious gory details, all the things you were going to achieve that year. And once your name was signed to it, your whole bonus depended on some bullshit you dreamed up 11 months ago, before the intervening 10 months bitch slapped you into the ground.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I never missed out on a bonus. No. I was a good enough spin doctor that I could make the numbers say whatever I needed them to (which is probably why, these days, I regard 98% of statistics with a healthy dose of skepticism).

So, even though I walked away with my nice little ‘thanks for actually doing your job’ cheque, those goals were the bane of my existence.

I don’t like the idea of living a whole year to one arbitrarily set standard.

Our lives are dynamic, so I’ve never understood the need to hold ourselves to something so static.

And when the end of the year comes, I watch people sit there and beat themselves up over not meeting these random (and in the grand scheme of things, semi-meaningless) goals.

“Oh Em Gee.  I wanted to loose 19.3 lbs and I only lost 18.7 lbs.  I am such a gigantic failure at life”.

Really?  You’re going to base the success of a whole year on what a scale says? *cringe*

Why not look at all the things you accomplished this year?  Did you finally get around to reading that book?  Did you take that course you’ve been promising yourself for 3 years you were going to get around to taking?  Did you simply take the time to sit and play with your kids?  All those are accomplishments worthy of recognition.

So tell me…

What amazing things did YOU accomplish this year?

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13 Responses to Please Pass The Porn and Xanax

  • Nobilis says:

    I wrote three novellas. I wrote one novel. I edited one novel. I released my first novel in print and e-book. I produced 50 podcasts.

    I survived the year in which my kids turned 16.

    I started biking to the train station. I lost 30 pounds, and 2 inches around my waist.

  • PsychMamma says:

    I figure keeping a daughter alive and out of the hospital for the first year ever counts for something. =)

    Also, the fact that I didn’t go insane.

    Love you, sweets & agree 110% w/the resolution thing.

    Happy New Year! Boo yah! Bring it.

  • PsychMamma says:

    Pssst! I MEANT keeping her out of the hospital for the first year ever. I’ve kept her alive for several now. =)

    Apparently, my grammar gets awkward when it’s too close to my bedtime.

  • Michelle says:

    Ha! And I was one of those corporate schmuck bosses that used to make you set them.

    I’m with PsychMamma. My kids are all still alive. Most days they agree that they love me. My husband hasn’t run screaming down the street. My house is still standing. Am I supposed to actually accomplish things?

  • Nicole says:

    1. I kept my daughter alive for 19 months and change.

    2. I finished a diploma I’ve been plodding along at one or two courses at a time.

    This year I want to learn why commentluv doesn’t work with my blog. I’d also like to pay off some debt and keep my kid as happy as she is now.

  • ally says:

    I conquered NYC with your crazy ass.

    I got into Nursing School.

    I didn’t freak when C started preschool.

    I have not yet sold Jimmy to the gypsies for a pineapple upside down cake.

    xoxoxo

  • Lisa says:

    That is one thing I so don’t miss about the corporate world, stupid goal setting and then the critique that follows months later based on those goals you set.

    I figure since my year is ending with a happy, healthy 3 year old, a happy marriage and a new little spawn on the way I’ve accomplished much this year.

  • Carrie says:

    I managed to keep a roof over our heads :) Hubby was unemployed all of 2010 so it was ALL ON ME!

    I am more than happy to relinquish the “keep roof over head” responsibility in 2011. I hope he gets a job. Sigh

  • AmazingGreis says:

    I had surgery, which will help me be healthier!!

    Also, I have a job and I pay all my bills (mostly on time) and I’ve traveled quite a bit.

    My hopes for 2011 – travel, save money and be an AMAZING aunt to my new baby niece.

  • becky says:

    Majorly agreed on all of this. I don’t make resolutions anymore. I found that reflection for New Years is better and maybe setting goals for things I want to improve on instead of an actual resolution.

  • Dre says:

    My baby girl stayed healthy this year. Knock on fucking wood, since there are 3 days left.

    I put an end to the madness. That right there says it all.

    For 2011… I plan to exercise my freedom :)

  • Lu says:

    I went back to work some. Never thought that would happen.

    That’s all I’ve got but I’m pretty proud of it. LOL

    I totally agree about the resolutions though. My goal for next year is no surgeries. I shoot high, what can I say? Heh.

  • Melissa Palmer says:

    I will be happy to see the back end of 2010!

    – I managed to survive 6 months of hell at work and live to do another 6 fecking months (don’t let me start…)

    – I learned to B R E A T H and take better control of my stress level.

    – I’ve started to write again, and was published for the first time this year.

    – I have a happy little girl who adores me and a marriage that is heading into year 9 with a man I wouldn’t trade for the world.

    Bring on 2011!

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