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I was going to post a really hysterically funny video of Vista today. At least Bil and I found it hysterically funny. But then again, it’s well known to the world that we have a sick and twisted sense of humor.

I know, you’re sitting there going ‘OK, well, if this video is so damn funny, where is it??’

Well, here’s the thing.

I’ve decided not to post it.

The video was something along the lines of this, with a little less Will Ferrell, less scripting, and a lot more of me doubled over laughing in the background.

But after having CPS called on us last November, we’re quite frankly a little gun shy about putting anything out there that might smack of anything less than perfect parenting.

And then I think about that and it REALLY. PISSES. ME. OFF.

I’m not perfect.  Show me a parent who is.  And yet, here I am trying to live up to some impossible standard because somebody who knows nothing about me decided he should get some say on how I parent my child.

Now every time I’m out with Vista, I’m crossing my fingers that she doesn’t have a meltdown, and that someone won’t decide to stick there nose into something that is, quite frankly, none of their business.

I’m finding a lot of things don’t get done these days.  If I drive somewhere and Vista falls asleep before we get there?  Rather than wake her up, take her in the store, and chance an outburst, I turn around and go home.  Because?  It’s not worth the risk.

I walk around on egg shells hoping that no one will find fault that’s not there.

And I thought at first it was just in this small town we lived in.  I even tossed the idea around of moving somewhere new.

But then I realized, it’s not the town.  It’s me.  This… thing… has pervaded to the very core of my parenting philosophy.

And now it’s invaded my blog.

It’s like I’m living in Fantasia and being hunted by the Nothing.

This need to censor is at direct odds with the person I am naturally.

I am irreverent.  I am risque, at times.  Ditto for controversial.  That’s who I’ve always been.

I’m not someone to toe the line or follow the norm.

And yet I find myself doing exactly that, because I will do anything to protect my child from ignorant people who think they know more about her than I do.

I have always had my nose stuck in a book.  There’s many a picture of me, from when I was a kid, sitting at a campground during summer holidays curled up with my latest novel, ignoring the beautiful outdoors.

And truth be told, I’m still the same way.  I love books.  It’s the one thing I don’t get nearly enough time for anymore. I would happily sit all day and read book after book after book if I could.  Yeah, I’m a loser and I’m OK with that.  I’m also one giant ball of useless knowledge, so, word of advice – don’t talk to me unless you want to be irritated by random facts.

So with in mind, here are the lovely ladies I think you should rush off and talk to:

• Aidan Donnelley Rowley has an interesting series of posts on whether men and women can just be friends (I say yes) and being friends with exes (I’m friends with many of mine). I seem to be in the minority with my opinions on both posts.  There is a great discussion on these two topics going on in the comments though, that’s well worth chiming in on.  She also just happens to have a book that’s coming out on Vista’s birthday.
• VampireSmitten and rewritingkel have teamed together to start an online book club called Paperback Readers.  So if you’re looking for some awesome ladies to chat with and an excuse to get 5 minutes to yourself (’sorry, Mommy HAS to read this book’), go check it out.

Now it’s your turn. If you’d like to play along , then link up, and if you’re so inclined, grab a badge.

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We were up bright and early this morning.  4:30am early. Which in my opinion is still night time.  No sun, no morning.  I’m all about simple concepts.

Bil tried in vain to convince Vista to go back to bed.  And she actually did lay down for a few minutes.  But the second she heard him leave for work, she came bounding into my room, flipped on the light, and screamed

“GET UP MOMMY”

I may have mumbled something about shutting off the damn light, and ungodly hours, and someone being Satan’s spawn.  But it’s all kind of blurry.

Eventually dragged my carcase from the bedroom to the kitchen, then crawled to the couch, hugging the precious bounty of a cup of caffeine and flipped up my laptop screen.

And the first thing I saw was this

My initial reaction, knowing Nic like I do, was …

Uh…WTF?!?

I figured maybe her husband had started slipping something into her coffee after her call to him the other day.

Turns out it was a total false alarm and she’s still crazy.  *phew*

But, in my sleep deprived state, the word rainbow stuck in my head, kind of like one those irritating songs that get stuck in your head.  Like going through the ‘It’s a Small World‘ ride at Disney Land and then you’re humming that stupid tune for the rest of the day and you want to repeatedly stab yourself with an ice pick to make it stop.  Hypothetically speaking, course.

Luckily I remembered seeing someone in my blog reader had made some really cute rainbow cupcakes the other day, so I spent half an hour flipping through old posts looking for this.

And because I’m a glutton for punishment, V and I spent the afternoon covered in cake batter and food coloring!

Now could someone please come eat them, because I can feel my ass getting bigger just looking at them.

I can admit when I’m wrong. Only because it happens so rarely. I mean, everyone knows I’m like the next Mary Poppins – practically perfect in every way. (Stop snickering or I’ll beat you with my umbrella)

Well, yesterday I was wrong, not once, but twice. I KNOW! Mark the day on your calendar because it will never happen again.

I publicly stated that I was sure that the EEG we had slated for Vista yesterday would come back as normal. Same as the other two had. I mean, for one of those, they had her hooked up for 24 hours and it was perfectly normal. Why would I have any reason to believe they’d see anything different on a half hour EEG? Especially since we weren’t able to get her to sleep during it, like they needed. All that sleep deprivation for nothing.  Can we say cranky? (Me, not her).

But… wait for it….I was wrong. What little bit of the EEG they were able to do came back abnormal, showing spikes of electrical activity coming from the back of her brain.

I’m pretty sure my jaw made a nice clunking sound as it hit the floor when her neurologist told me.

To say I was not expecting that is an understatement.

Which led to being wrong a second time in one day.

I was positive that we’d get the nice shrug from the neurologist accompanied by the words ‘Welllll… we don’t know.  Call us if her seizures get any worse”, as they sent us home again.

I got the first part right.  Does that count?

They used words like ‘odd’ and ‘unique’ to describe V’s seizures.  Yeah, my kid’s all sorts of special.  But I already knew that.

What they think is happening is Vista will have a seizure, which causes loss of speech, motor skills, and behavioral issues.  Then two to four weeks later she’s having another seizure that resets whatever the first seizure did and returns her to back to where she was before the first seizure. Did you follow that?  Let me put it in simple terms.  It’s like flipping a light switch on and off. And on. And off. And on.  And off…and…yeah, well, you get the point.

The problem is, we’re lucky if we see maybe a third of the seizures we think she’s having (which is why it’s taken so long to puzzle this out), because they happen at night, while she’s sleeping.  Which could be why she wakes up in the middle of the night screaming sometimes.  Ever wondered what a banshee sounds like?  Come for a sleepover.

At any rate…

The abnormal EEG combined with the level of regression from her last seizure had her neurologist concerned.  Very concerned.  Concerned enough that, for now, they’ve decided to put her on anti-seizure meds.

Luckily the medication they chose (clobazam) has fairly mild side effect.  Stuff like ataxia, somnolence, diplopia, and dysarthria. Don’t those sound scary? Let me translate: loss of muscle coordination, drowsiness, double vision, and slurred speech. So, in other words, she might act like a teenager on a bender. Yay.

The best part is, they told me this drug is part of the benzodiazepine family. Also know as? Anyone?
That’s right, my two year old is on Valium! I’m thinking we’ll try for Xanax by the time she’s three.

Let’s give the boys a haaaaaaaaand……

Yeah, I know you all have the urge to go watch Footloose now… sorry about that.  Well, not really, cause I’m kind of a bitch like that.

And speaking of bitches, I figure I give my fellow bitches and beotches enough props on here, it was time to give it up for the men this week.

• wfehler - I would say follow him for the simple goodness of this tweet, but he really is a lot of fun to chat with
• jayincalgary - He totally deserves your sympathy now that he’s working with Bil.  As if having me harass him wasn’t enough, now he’s forced to talk to my husband face-to-face every day.  Poor guy.
• And no list would be complete without the evil duo of the brothers childsplayx2 and bjhenry.  Funny, compassionate, both a little bit crazy, and both very worth a follow.

Short, sweet, to the point.  That’s how you do a Follow Friday. 
If you’d like to play along , then link up, and if you’re so inclined, grab a badge.

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We have these wonderful things out here called a Chinook.

On Chinook days it will go from “Oh dear gawd I’m going to freeze my nipples off!” to “Hey, is it legal to go topless?” in a matter of a few hours. In terms of actual degrees, think 0C (32F) to 20C (68F). Yeah, radical.

While the sudden warm weather (minus the accompanying migraine ) is a nice change, there are some side effects… muddy, dirty, wet side effects.

Because sudden warm weather melts all that lovely snow that’s been sitting in my backyard. And melts it in a hurry.

Which means my quarter acre winter wonderland turns into a giant lake. A muddy, dirty, wet lake that two dogs and a toddler want to go play in. (and if you ever come over to my house you’ll understand why my floors are perpetually muddy in the spring).

With this latest thaw, and the fact the dogs have worn out the grass at the bottom of the deck, there’s a nice mud… well it’s not a puddle because there’s no water.  It’s just a big mud pit.

When Vista wanted to go out this afternoon, I first had to get her over the “Oh no!  Oh no, Mommy!  Mud!!”.  And then… well, it’s easier just to show you what happened next.

Needless to say, Bil is picking up some paving stones for that bottom area on his way home

I’m seeing this more and more.

The feeling of ‘I wanted to say something, but couldn’t come up with anything witty to say, so I didn’t say anything at all’.

I’m guilty of this.

I’ve typed many a tweet and blog comment and then just before hitting that post button, I’ve deleted it because I didn’t feel it added anything to the conversation.

And I find myself doing that more and more. This self-censoring.

But why do we put such pressure on ourselves? Why does everything we write have to be just perfect, better than the other persons comment, tweet, whatever ?

Honestly, I’m happy to have any blog comment. Even if it’s just one that says ‘hey I was here and I liked this post’.

I don’t ever read my comments or tweets and think ‘Wow…why did they even bother writing that?’.

To me it doesn’t matter if what someone has written is witty, smart, funny, profound.

What matters more is that they felt it was worth taking the time to comment or reply at all. And that means a lot.

I decided to do double duty with this post this week.  Jen at The Psychobabble nominated me for a Sunshine award.

The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity & creativity inspires others in the blog world.  The rules for accepting this award are:-

• Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
• Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
• Link the nominees within your post.
• Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
• Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I’ve never been really good at following instructions, so here are a few of favorite follows / great blog posts I read this week.

• DuchessMama - It’s her birthday today (Happy Birthday love!!) AND she’s about to have a baby any day now.  Double win!  Oh, and she’s stuck putting up with my sorry ass as a roomie at BlogHer this year.  Poor thing.
• Jennscrzy - Has a great post on facing the frustration and the feeling of failure that comes with being an at-home mom, some days
• pocklock - Brought up a really good point in one of her posts this week – Are you more forgiving and tolerant of people on the interwebz than in real life?
• Messponential - I know she was on my Follow Friday list just a couple of weeks ago, but her Girl Talk Thursday post this week spoke to me.  Her and I tend to be of the same mind on a lot of things.  And only Colleen could do a ‘bitch rant’ and have it still come off as classy.
• Chibi Jeebs - If you need a good laugh today, go read about the time she burned her cooter. Seriously.  I was rolling on the floor laughing.

If you’d like to play along on Follow Friday, than link up, and if you’re so inclined, grab a badge.

*smooches*

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Latin names always freak me out.  Take rosacea for example. Sounds more like a skin condition than the family of flowers known as the rose.

Oh wait… it is a skin condition too. Well nix that.

But you see what I mean. Latin names are confusing.

You don’t tell a woman she has a nice gluteus maximus. No of course not. You complement her on her fabulously toned ass, which she’s obviously spent hours in the gym for, and isn’t it nice that she has that kind of time, while the rest of us sit around eating bon-bons all day in our muumuus. Pass the chocolate please.

Same as you don’t talk about bumping your ulnar nerve. No, you hit your damn funny bone which isn’t so funny when it’s your own elbow, is it? Ha! Who’s laughing now?

And how many of you pick umbilicus lint? Show of hands? Well there you go. Although apparently some people have a fetish for it.

My point is, Latin is the root of many body parts. But the English language has mangled it or ditched it all together in favor of the comfortable, the known, the easy to pronounce.

So….

Why the hell haven’t we done that for our own vaginas? Oh sure we have nicknames for it.

• Vajayjay.
• Hoo-ha.
• Beaver – my personal Canadian favorite
• For those who don’t wax – Bearded Oyster
• Cooter (I’ve always wondered if this was where the word ‘cooties’ came from).
• And for those who are really fru fru and need to get their heads out of their asses (sorry, anal cavity) – Flower

But we haven’t really come up with one solid, specific name to replace the dreaded ‘vagina’.

And things just go downhill when you start talking about the rest of the bits down there.

Clitoris. Sounds like a celestial body, doesn’t it. You know. ‘Clitoris; second star to the right and straight on till morning’.

Then you have ‘mons pubis’ which I’m pretty sure is a mountain on a moon circling around Venus. (If your first thought was ‘Hey, Venus has no moons’ you are a) TOTALLY missing the point here and b) in serious need of a sex life)

And don’t forget about the two constellations Labia Minora and Labia Majora.

No wonder men are clueless about how things down there work, when WE can’t even pronounce them.

The only word down there that is recognizable to them is ‘hood’, but in typical fashion, half of them these days look under a hood and have no idea what to do with what’s there.

So I vote we rename everything. Start with a clean slate. Something maybe men will relate to and want to play with (I was thinking penis, but that’s already been taken).

Or maybe we just need to start renaming things men like.  The Heisman Trophy could easily become the Hymen trophy, right?

So lets hear it.  What would your naming theme be?  Sports? Women’s Magazines?  Car parts (since we’re already started down that path anyway)?

With life getting in the way, I find there are lots of people I don’t get to talk to as much as I would like these days.

But despite that fact, they could be my wingmen (wingwomen?) any time.

• Sara3isenough – she’s my personal shopper, well, Vista’s personal shopper.  I can always count on her to find me some great summer clothes for V that are perfectly her style and at a fraction of the cost I’d pay for them up here (*cough* Canadian outlet stores suck *cough*).  And shopping aside?  She’s sweet as can be and her kids are A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E!
• TheMaggers – Most people I know who are upbeat, supportive, and cheerful all the time, make me want to bitch slap them for being so fucking perky.  Especially when they pull that shit first thing in the morning.  Unless it’s Magda.  Because I love her like chocolate cake.  Nuff said
• Sweet_Life – In addition to dealing with a special needs child she’s also facing her own medical drama right now.  So, I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed for her, right now, that everything will come out OK.  Because, really?  She’s way to nice to be dealing with this kind of crap in her life.  And just to prove how nice she is? You need to start following this next person.
• Tres_Hearts - when Chrissi’s chocolate lab went missing last year, she was heartbroken.  This was the dog that had been the comfort and link to sanity for her and her husband after her son passed away.  Enter Sweet_Life.  When she heard about this, she offered to hold one of the pups from her lab’s latest litter (see what I mean about the nice part?).  Next week Chrissi is getting her new puppy!  (SQUEEEEE)  So if you love rolly-polly puppy pics like I do, then this is going to be the lady to follow.

If you’d like to play along on Follow Friday, than link up, and if you’re so inclined, grab a badge.

*smooches*

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