adoption

Follow Friday – Sending Love

It seems like a lot of people are struggling with blogging this year.  A lot of people are closing up shop, taking a breather and trying to pull their lives back together.

There are people who have stuck around though, and could sure use a good thought or a virtual hug:

  • butwhymommy – They’ve been trying to bring their son, Lion, home from Africa. It’s been an uphill battle. They thought the adoption was finally a done deal, and they were preparing to travel to go get him, when a call yesterday halted everything. Someone, somewhere lost some document and now they’re refusing to issue Lion a birth certificate. I’m hoping they get this sorted soon, so they Renee can finally bring her baby boy home.
  • irishsamom – Her family all lives in South Africa and she just got a call.  Her father has cancer and it’s spread.  I wish I had the money to send her over there to be there with her dad and support her mom.
  • GaribaySoup - has just started the process to have her son diagnosed with autism.  That is a hard road to walk and a difficult decision to go through all that.  But hopefully this will help them get the support they need.

So, head over and send these ladies a hug or three.

If you’d like to play along with Follow Friday , then write your blog post and link it up below so other people can find it.

And if you’re so inclined, grab a badge.

Followfriday Follow Friday   Sending Love

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Christmas time, for what ever reason, always makes me think about my relationships with people.

Those that know me well, know I’m adopted.

I was 3 months old when I was adopted and I can’t remember a time that I didn’t know.  My parents were always very forthright about it and it was something to be celebrated, not hidden in our house.

When I was 21, through a bizarre series of events, I got the opportunity to meet my birth mother.  And eventually her whole family.

I am a classic study of nature vs nurture.

I never really fit into my family growing up.  I feel bad for my parents because I was so different from them, they just had no idea what to do with me.

Then I met my birth mom, Deb.

Lets just say the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

I don’t look all that much like her, but personality wise?  We are two peas in a pod.

We have the same sarcastic sense of humor.

The same dry wit.

The same irritation with what we view as stupidity.

People who have never met me can pick me out as her daughter within minutes of talking to me.

Weirder still?

My aunt, my birth mother’s youngest sister, and I are practically carbon copies.  It freaks people out because we grew up in two different worlds not knowing each other.  But we talk the same, have the same mannerisms, the same gestures.  Her husband hates when we get together because we finish each others sentences and constantly say the same thing at the same time.

So any scientist says there’s no base for the nature argument with adoptees and that children are a ‘fresh slate’ can bite me.

What made me think of all this was the difference between the two Christmas cards I got from my mom and my birth mom.

In the card my mom sent to Bil and I she wrote in

“Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and all the best for a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year”

The card we got from my birth mom today had the following written in it:

May all your Christmas lights stay lit
May all your presents be a hit
May joy and laughter deck your halls
And may no one bust your Christmas balls

Any questions about who gave birth to me?  I thought not.

 Like Mother, Like Daughter

Guest Post: Afraid

We’ve all been through stuff with our family when we just needed to vent and get it all out there.  Unfortunately, if you have a public blog that your family knows about, it’s not always the best place to do it (unless you want to cause a lot of family tension, drama, headaches…)

So when my good friend Lu told me she needed a place to ‘throw her dirty socks around’, I told her to come on over and let it all out.  I have enough dirty laundry posted on this site; what’s a few more socks?

After reading her story below, I can totally understand why she would need to get this off her chest and blow off some emotional steam.

So, without further ado, the lovely Ms Lu….



So I got the call yesterday.  the call that I was expecting to get actually.  It’s funny how just because you expect a situation or manifest it in your mind, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with or understand.

My brother and his wife are expecting.

Again.

After giving two other children up for adoption.

****Some history is probably in order.****

My brother, G was in 10th grade when my parents moved our family (not me I was already out) from our home town to a new state.  For a high school student something like that can be hard and for my brother it was the beginning of the end.  Without 5 pages worth of information to say it shortly my brother is a hippie, a drifter, a musician,  a dreamer, not much of a do-er.  He met A, his now wife, a few weeks after starting school in the new town.  They began dating and also an intimate relationship, rather quickly.  A was actually there the morning some of my family died, and was caught “fleeing the scene of the crime” which of course, she was cleared of any wrong doing.  Well, except she was 15 and had no business being in my brother’s room overnight. (Letting your HS son have a room in the basement was NOT the best idea Mom, shit.)  Given that she has been with my brother through all of this they have an unbelievable bond, which I can understand.  They also really love each other and always have.

When they were just finishing their senior year of high school A got pregnant.  When this happened I think it was just over a year after dad and the boys died and the prospect of a new baby brought a swirling of emotion to our family.  We (mom, me, hubs, and sis) said we would back them, help them, and support them emotionally and financially.  For a while there they had decided they would marry and keep the baby.  My brother was entertaining ideas of joining the military so he would have a way of immediate support and medical care.  We said we would support whatever they decided.  Then A’s family started convincing her that this baby was going to ruin her life and had she even considered any other options?   Her mother made her go to a meeting with an adoption agency and shortly after that they decided she would give the baby up, to an open adoption.  So G & A could pick the family and have some involvement in the baby’s life.

Now I can not even begin to imagine what this feels like.  Especially now as a mother myself the emotions are a thousand times more intense.  I can not imagine how hard it is to carry the child full term and give her away.  At the time this was really hard on our family.  Especially my mom.  Who was immediately accused of “trying to replace her sons.”  Anyone who is a parent knows that if you lose a child they can NEVER be replaced.  Just typing that out makes my stomach turn.  You can not replace a child, even with another child of your own, much less someone else’s child.  It is not possible.  Yet they accused her of it.  Repeatedly, because she wanted them to keep the baby.  I was just supportive of whatever they wanted to do because I was young myself and although I was married I wasn’t “ready” for a baby either.  However I really struggled to understand how G & A could honestly let the baby go.  They both  come from decent families who would have helped  them through and teach them and support them.  But they were both in the time of their life where freedom was finally theirs and ultimately the baby would cramp their style.

G finally let me in on his view.  Since they were working with this open agency they would be able to see her and have some involvement, but still get to be kids themselves.  The agency would also be paying them enough money that him and A could move out on their own.  So not only would they not have the “burden” of the baby, they would be able to get some free money.  From the agency AND the adoptive parents.  The agency & adoptive parents paid their rent and utilities and any other expenses to make sure their baby would be in the best healthy environment possible.  G & A were “hood rich” and loving it.  At this point they pretty much quit communicating with us for the most part, but especially in regards to the baby.  They felt guilt or ashamed I guess.  I don’t know.

So a beautiful little girl was born.  A little girl who I have never met.  A little girl who not only has my blood running through her veins, but also strongly resembles me.

G & A went on with their lives which includes a horrible cocaine addiction and a stripping career.  Two years went by and A gets pregnant again.  Oh and guess what?  The adoptive parents of the first child would just love to adopt this one too. So yeah, my brother and his wife basically sold them the baby.  It was through the agency…but still, we all saw what was going on.  I never came out and called him a baby seller to his face, but we a knew it.  It was just too painful to address correctly especially with still feeling the pain of losing the first one.  So here we go again.  Except this time, the never even considered keeping it.  Ever.  He later admitted to me that the adoptive parents had been asking for months for another baby.

Fast forward a few years and G & A get their life somewhat on track.  They aren’t hooked on drugs anymore (just a little lot of pot) and decide it’s time to get married.  I mean they have been together forever anyway so why not.  Soon after they figure out another way to get free money, school grants and loans.  They rack up thousands of dollars in loans only to have that idea fizzle out as well.  They both struggle to maintain school, jobs, and their hugely important social life.  Soon after the money runs out they find themselves in despair once again.

Once again my mom opens her arms and home to them.  During that time they are trying to figure out what the hell they can do with their life now.  They literally have nothing left but some personal belonging and each other.  So how can we get money again???  HMMMM.  This time it was the military.  During a time of war.  They are so desperate to get something for nothing.  So A joined but G was denied.  A has worked her butt off, and it turns out, it wasn’t something for nothing.  I will give her credit for that, for sure.  All along though, I just keep wondering what kind of scheme they will come up with to get her out.   So the first thing they did to keep her from getting deployed was sign her up for bunion surgery.  Then they tried to deploy her again, so she signed up to have her other bunion removed.  They were here for a weekend in between the surgeries.  During a casual conversation about what would happen after that, how long she would recover before being deployed my brother pipes in with, “well if she gets pregnant, she won’t be deployed.” AH HA.

So it begins, again.

So now you are caught up.

She went in yesterday for her second surgery only to find out she is pregnant.   My brother called me and said, “I am going to be a father.”  My natural reaction/response was, what does this mean?  He was like, what do you mean, what does this mean?  It means I am going to be a father.  Of course I am thinking, um, you already are, so what the fuck does this mean??? Now I never said, so are ya keeping it?  I guess he just thinks I am supposed to know they are.  I mean, what is different now that I am supposed to be anymore happy about this than the last two times you “were going to be a father.”

My mom and I are literally afraid to get invested.  Afraid to get excited.  Afraid to love.

We have been beat up emotionally a million and a half times by my brother and his wife.  For way more than the two other babies.   G & A are the type of people who if you piss them off they will use this baby as a pawn to get what you want or make you feel bad.  I am so afraid.

I am afraid for the other two babies to ever feel like they came from a family that didn’t want them, but then we wanted this baby.  We wanted those little girls, they were loved before they were ever born.  We would have loved them forever.

I know that my brother can be an amazing father.  I just hope he follows through this time.

Infertility vs. Adoption

I think it’s human nature to want what we can’t have.  But what happens when the thing someone wants more than anything else in the world, and can’t have, is a baby?

I understand the frustration, the hurt, the yearning, every single month.  I understand the crying, the aching, while your friends get pregnant when their husbands look at them sideways.

I get it.  I know.  I was there.

But what I don’t understand is when this need for a child starts to cast a bitter, hateful, angry shadow on your life.

If you want a child so badly, so badly that it has become the focus of your whole life, so badly that it’s making you bitter and angry towards those who do have this wonderful new life, so bad you refuse to celebrate others joy – why not adopt?  There are so many children out there needing wonderful, loving parents.  Why not consider this as an option if you’re so desperate to have a child?

Both hubby and I were adopted.  It’s a path we started to walk before I finally did get pregnant.  Just because you didn’t give birth to a child doesn’t make them any less yours.

After the pregnancy, labour complications, and now the genetic issues we have had with Vista, we’ve ruled out having any more children of our own. Some days this makes me sad.  But then I remember, if I really do want another child, I can have one.  All I have to do is start the paperwork.

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