allegations

That Which Shall Not Be Named

For the past couple of months there has been an elephant in the room.  Everywhere I turn, there it is.  I try to avoid looking it in the eye.  It sees and looks away.  I avoid talking to it.  It walks to the corner and sits down.  But still, there it is.

And I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of skirting the issue.  I’m tired of talking in double speak.  I’m tired of innuendos, allegations, comments, blah, blah, blah.  I’m sick of it.

I’ve been playing along, keeping my distance.  But this isn’t who I am.  I’m not a sheep to follow a crowd.

Anyone who knows me knows that I will always tell you want I think.  I’m blunt to the point of being brutal.  But at least you never have to guess where I stand.  Yet, for the past few months everyone has been guessing, questioning, wondering what I think of this elephant in the room.

You want it?  Well here it is.

Nic.

There I said her name.

Nic.

OMG.  I said it again.  Are you still reading?  Great.

Yes, Nic and I were friends before the drama.  Yes, we created and hosted Blog Her @ Home together.  Which, by the way, I’ve been asked several times why I haven’t removed her from that site.  Why?  Because Blog Her @ Home was not my idea.  It was not my brain child.  It was hers.  And you want me to remove her from a site that she conceived?  Why?  What purpose would that serve?

Everyone wants to know what I know.  I know what you know.  No more, no less.  I don’t have some magical insider information.  Nic has not changed her story about what happened, just because she’s talking to me.  She has continued to stand by what she says happened to her.  That has not changed through any conversation I’ve had with her.

Nic and I have spent hours going round and round about what she believes and what I believe happened.  Yes.  Those are two different things.

But the reality is I’m faced with a friend.  Is she dramatic?  Sure.  That’s who she is. She’s never apologized or made excuses for that. But she is someone who has been there for me.  Who has spent hours on the phone with me while I cried over whatever my latest life crisis was.  Who has been there to offer her support when I needed it most.

And in the past few months she’s really needed a friend. And where was I?  Not there.  Yup, pretty crappy, eh?

I was the one standing in judgment of her.  Standing with hands on my hips saying “I don’t believe you.  PROVE IT”.  Demanding an explanation.  A reason.  A rationalization for what had occurred.  Throwing accusations. Screaming at the top of my lungs “YOU OWE IT TO US”.  Owe.  Owe for what?  Payment for a debt?  Because we made the choice to tweet, post, blog, whatever?  And we’re embarrassed by what happened and therefore we make it her problem.  “I believed you, therefore you owe me.”

But what happens when she believes herself?

Trust me when I say we’ve talked about it from every angle.

Truth, lies, reality, fiction, sane, mentally ill, this disorder, that disorder.  And still, we’re no closer to being on the same page.  And we never will be.  Ever.

And there it is.

So the decisions I have to make is this:  How important is this to me?  Is it worth the cost of a friendship?  And do I have a right to stand in judgment.

That last one what the big one.  And something I only just realized.  And what prompted me to write this.

Who am I to stand here and judge her?

Even if I thought she was completely lying and made the whole thing up (no, that’s not what I think), have I never, ever embellished a story?  Never lied about anything?  Ever?  I wish I could say I hadn’t but the truth is, of course I have in my life time.  No, none of the stories on this blog are fabrication or embellishment.  Unfortunately I have enough drama in my life, I can write fact and that’s enough.

In our last conversation, Nic asked me what I wanted.  She can’t change how I view the events.  That’s my reality.  I wasn’t there, so I can only go by what I think happened.  But what do I want.  If I say I want the truth?  Well she has given me what she believes to be the truth.  But I don’t like that truth.  So whose problem is that?  Hers or mine?

Most of us have been trying to make that her problem.  I don’t like what you’re telling me, so give me a different story.  But she won’t because she can’t. And so it goes.

Let me lay bare what I do believe.  I believe that Nic believes what happened to her.  She has owned it.  That is not going to change. If you don’t like that truth then I can’t help you.

I need to start owning what I believe.  And if that costs me friends / followers / influence so be it.

I don’t blog to make money.  I don’t blog because I’m trying to be the latest up-and-comer.

The fact is, I blog because I enjoy the people I’ve met and the connections I’ve made.

As flamboyant, outrageous, and in-your-face as she is, Nic is one of those people.

There are lots of things her and I don’t see eye-to-eye on.  This isn’t the first and won’t be the last.

But I’ve decided to stop imposing my expectations, insecurities, and judgments on her, and just be a friend again.

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