deepfreeze

I Think I'll Go Live In My Fridge. It's Warmer There

Ahhhh….winter.  Snowfalls, icicles, and weather so cold your nipples will freeze right off.  I only wish I was kidding about that.

It’s a good thing I don’t have a pair of truck nuts on my mega cab or they’d be shriveled up to the size of little peas.  That pansy ass truck of mine decided to curl up and die in the cold.  Despite plugging in the block heater, we couldn’t even get it to turn over.  So my neighbor, who managed to get his car started (which I’m not at all bitter about) came over and offered to boost the truck for us.

Our two dogs, tired of being cooped up in the house, took the opportunity of the open front door to dodge around the neighbour and I and take off down the street and around the corner.  Recall training my ass.  Bastards didn’t even give me a backwards glance.

I bundled up and headed into the arctic deepfreeze.  Nope.  Not joking.

CanadianCold 300x80 I Think I'll Go Live In My Fridge.  It's Warmer ThereTranslated into American that is

AmericanCold 300x80 I Think I'll Go Live In My Fridge.  It's Warmer There

Now you understand why my truck said “Oh hell no!” when I turned the key.

After talking about the merits of using jumper cables as nipple adornments the neighbor and I finally hooked up the vehicles and …. didn’t start the truck.  I’m pretty sure it was laughing at me.  Things with batteries always tend to die when I need them most.  Dammit.

I turned around and headed back inside for some reinforcements.  Also know as warmer gloves and a scarf.  Then I trudged down the road looking for the dogs.  I may have even had the local po-po on the lookout for the stupid mutts.  Gotta love small town living. (yeah, they eventually turned up and are both grounded for the rest of their lives.  Especially after *I* got yelled at by a local farmer because the dogs went to play with the horses.  Jerkoffs).

If you’ve ever been out walking for half an hour in weather so cold that your eyelids freeze together when you blink (again, I only wish I was kidding) then you know that getting warm after is damn near impossible.

So Bil and I are doing what any normal Canadians do to keep warm.

We’re drinking.

Little known fact: most Canadian babies are born in the spring, not the summer like you would think.  I’m pretty sure it’s because we spend the winters so bundled up in layers by the time you get them all off you forget what you were doing in the first place.  That, and after a few dozen hot toddies we’re too busy to trying to make the room stop spinning that the thought of rocking the bed is too much like a carnival ride.

Even lesser known fact: my father is a meteorologist (aka weatherman).  That fact is completely useless when the weather forecast is ‘Fucking cold today; you’ll freeze your ass off tomorrow; and you don’t even want to know about the rest of the week’.

That being reality, though, Bil made a supply run tonight (liquor, liquor, and more liquor) so we’ll be hunkering down in our igloo house until Mother Nature grabs a clue.

Oh, and if you see a frozen mitt on the door handle, don’t bother ringing our doorbell (cause it doesn’t work either in this damn weather)

 I Think I'll Go Live In My Fridge.  It's Warmer There

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