Human nature

Trust and the Monogamy Myth (Relationship Series: Part 4)

Series intro: Relationships – An Intro
Part 1: Open Yourself to the Possibilities
Part 2: What a Woman REALLY Wants
Part 3: The UnMarriage


300px 1883 wedding lic Trust and the Monogamy Myth  (Relationship Series: Part 4)
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What gives us the right to ‘own’ another person and when did we decide that a marriage certificate was akin to ownership papers?

How many people have been completely and utterly convinced that if their boyfriend/girlfriend would just marry them everything would be better in the relationship?

Why is the thought of our spouse loving or caring about another person so threatening for us?

These are the questions I ask often. Because I think their answers are telling. They reveal a lot about the level of trust and respect in a relationship.

If Bil approached me tomorrow and told me he wanted an open relationship, I wouldn’t blink an eye. I would let him have it. Because there is one thing I will never doubt. And that is the fact that he loves me.

I trust him. TRUST him. Implicitly.

I trust him to hold our relationship above all others. I trust him to always put me and our daughter first. I trust that at the end of the night it will be my bed he comes home to.

For me, that is what matters.

If I told Bil that I wanted an open relationship he would give it to me, as well.

Because he knows our relationship is sacrosanct to me. He knows I would never do anything to break that trust or let anything interfere in ‘us’.

The reality for Bil and I is that we are two very different people. As much as we love each other, and get along, and are happy together, there are places in our lives where we are very different. And to be able to give the other person what they need, would be to change who we are. I would never ask him to change, nor would he ask it of me. To do that would be to deny the people we fell in love with.

I have never been a great believer in monogamy. It’s just not who I am.

That doesn’t mean I run around sleeping with every man (or woman) I meet. That’s not me either.

That doesn’t mean I cheat on my partner. In fact I never have while in a committed relationship. That’s not who I am.

Who I am is someone who’s passionate. Passionate about life, about love, about lust, about intimacy.

To share this passion and lust with someone else would not mean I don’t love my husband. In fact, for us, the opposite would be true. It would allows us to make sure the lines of communication are open. It would ensures we talk often and review our relationship and make sure we’re both still happy with how things are. It would force me to be more aware, sensitive, considerate of our own relationship dynamics.

And it does.

Yes.

Bil and I have what I would call a quasi-open relationship.

Our ability to play outside the marriage is dependent on the approval and agreement of the other. It is VERY limited and VERY controlled. It is not an open invitation to screw around on each other. It is very specifically to fill a need that the other person can’t or won’t meet.  It is not necessarily sexual in nature.  Unlike Mr.O and his wife, we’re not married. That doesn’t however mean we’re any less devoted to each other. In fact, I might argue that the fact we’ve decided not to rely on a piece of paper to validate our relationship makes it even stronger.

The ability to successfully manage such an arrangement is highly dependent on our trust of each other, our level of communication, and our belief that monogamy is not a natural human state.  Quite frankly, if it was, so many people wouldn’t have so much difficulty adhering to it.

Here’s an interesting statistic for you…  Only about 3 percent of animal species are truly monogamous.  Humans?  Are not in that 3 percent.   That’s not my opinion.  That is fact.

Another interesting little fact?  Monogamous does not necessarily mean sexually exclusive.

I’m not saying that we/you/me can never have a successful relationship with just one person and remain faithful and committed to that person.

But look at it this way… If your spouse passed away tomorrow, would you remarry or enter into a committed relationship again?  If so, then you are not mated for life.  Simple facts and reality.  Our genetic make up allows us to feel love for other people.

What I am saying is that I believe monogamy is the product of rigid social norms, not base human nature, and it sets us up to feel ownership over another. And that, for me, is a fundamental issue. No one owns me. No one.

Don’t believe me?

What happens when someone starts flirting with your spouse? What is most people’s automatic reaction to that situation?

“Mine. Back off”

Mine. In that one word you exert your ownership and possession of another person.

But here’s the problem. I am a human. Not an object to be owned.

I know this part of my lifestyle is distasteful and beyond comprehension for many people.  But, the big question is why?

Let me put an imaginary scenario to you…

Now that you’ve read all this, how comfortable would you be inviting me into your home for dinner with you and your spouse?

If your first thought was ‘Hell would freeze over first’ then I would ask you to examine that.

Are you attracted to every person you meet?  No?  Neither am I.  In fact I have very specific (and quite frankly, eclectic) tastes when it comes to who I’m attracted to.  And just because I’m attracted to someone does not mean I would ever act on it.

And if your initial reaction was ‘not on your life’ then I would encourage you to examine the level of trust that exists with your partner.   That reaction says ‘I don’t trust my partner enough to be around her.  I don’t trust them to know that they would never let anything happen that I was not 100% OK with’.

Sometimes the things we react the strongest to are those that are rooted in fear.

Let me make something clear.  Cheating = bad.  It’s not OK.  It’s never OK.  Because it’s based on lies and deception that erode the relationship.

A relationship without trust and honesty is nothing.

There are ways to strengthen trust in a relationship, though.

This is an article I like to read.  I don’t know the author, it’s just something I’ve found in my great Google searches. It’s based on rebuilding after a spouse cheats, but it applies to any relationship, no matter what the level of trust.

http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/6-28-2005-72248.asp

I would encourage everyone to read it and DISCUSS it with their partners.

What areas can you improve on and what effect will that have on your relationship?

Because strength in a relationship can only mean happiness for everyone involved.

 Trust and the Monogamy Myth  (Relationship Series: Part 4)

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