husband

What a Woman REALLY Wants (Relationship Series: Part 2)

You can find the series intro here: Relationships – An Intro
And Part 1 here: Open Yourself to the Possibilities


Part 2 of this series was originally going to delve into some of the conversations and discussion Bil and I had after Mr. O revealed his alternate marriage and lifestyle choices that I detailed in Part 1.

That was until I started getting question after question via DM, email, and a few in the comments about “BDSM?? Isn’t it just a way for a man to abuse his partner?” and “What about a woman’s point of view?”. catkit What a Woman REALLY Wants (Relationship Series: Part 2)

Uhhhh….

After squirming for a bit on how I was going to answer those, the gorgeous Cat, Mommy Geekology, swooped in and saved me. I owe her some really kinky sex, or maybe just a drink, when we meet up.

Cat and her husband, A, are in a closed marriage (they only play with each other… right now).

By day Mommy Geekology is Type A all the way. But turn out the lights and close the door, and she becomes a sweet, submissive plaything for A. Add a ball gag and you have a very happy Cat indeed.

Because you all know how nosy I am, I forced asked Cat really nicely to answer some questions about her lifestyle.

As you did with Mr. O, all I ask is that you keep an open mind regardless of your own preferences. And then talk about it. If you have questions, ask them. If you need more information, let us know.

Without further ado, the stunningly sexy Cat, aka Mommy Geekology:

How long have you and your husband been married?

We’ve been married almost 5 years (our anniversary is January 26th), and that’s about as long as we’ve known each other. We got married about 6 months after we met. When it’s right, it’s right.

Did you explore BDSM before you were married (ie, is this something you just started exploring with your husband, or is it something you were into before)?

I was interested in BDSM before we married, before we met – but I hadn’t really explored it much with other partners. A was the first man I felt comfortable discussing it with.. and even so, I still sometimes shy away from telling him what I really want.

Who initiated the play in your marriage (ie. how did you have the conversation around wanting BDSM in your marriage)?

I initiated, and I was incredibly nervous about it. I think I’ve completely blocked the conversation from my mind from the trauma of it all, but A tells me that I was sitting at the computer in his tiny Air Force dorm room and said out of the blue – “I think you should tie me up and have sex with me.” I’m incredibly subtle. Luckily he was also excited by that idea, and we started to experiment.

You’re obviously not afraid to talk about your play, but is it something that’s widely know in your circle of friends / family.

My mom *thinks* she knows because she saw a ball gag in our closet one day. She has no idea the extent, though. My friends do know, to some extent. There are a few that I’ve discussed my likes and dislikes in details, but mostly I’ve just touched lightly on my kink preferences. I’ve even made reference to it in my blog. (I was really surprised how many kinky commenters I had!)

What is your role in your BDSM play? Do you (or would you ever want to) switch?

I’m a sub. I wouldn’t want to switch, male subs are not at all attractive to me. I’m bi-sexual, so I could possibly see acting the role of Dom to a female sub, but I think it’s unlikely. I enjoy subbing too much. A lot of people mistake the power in a sub. It’s a very powerful thing to give someone else complete control over your body. There’s a lot of trust there. It’s a choice I make, and there’s a power in that choice.

Further to that, is that a role that continues outside of the bedroom?

Absolutely not. I’m a real Type-A personality, and A is a little more laid back. I think part of the reason that we enjoy BDSM play so much is that it allows us to be the opposite of who we are in “real life” – I get a chance to let someone else make the decisions, and he gets a chance to have absolute power (within reason).

Do you refer to your husband as Sir or Master inside or outside the bedroom and why / why not?

Inside the bedroom, yes. I switch between both, though often I don’t use any sort of honorific. Typically because I’m gagged – that’s a major turn on for me. Probably because I’m such a talker outside of the bedroom. (Oh, Hai! I’m a blogger! Narcissism, anyone?) Outside of the bedroom, absolutely not. Never. No fucking way. Ok let me modify that. If we were playing a scene that included some public aspects – then yes. We’ve discussed going to dinner in our “roles” and then retreating to a hotel for a night of mind-blowing sex. I plan to wear a remote control vibrating thong. RAWR. As for why or why not… we don’t follow a 24/7 lifestyle – there are those who do it, and honestly more power to them… but I couldn’t. I have a completely separate part of myself – my “real life’ self – that needs to get out and live. I couldn’t stifle that in favor of a 24/7 submissive lifestyle.

Are there any rules that your husband has for you that you are required to follow?

Not yet – but I’ve been wanting to ask him about this, because I definitely would like some bedroom-only “rules” to follow.

Do you have an ‘ownership’ charm / bracelet / collar / cuffs that you wear? If so, how do you feel about this?

I don’t, but I would like something discrete. Not a collar, but maybe a bracelet or anklet. I think it’s sort of similar to a tattoo – though less permanent – just a symbolization of one part of me. A part of me that I refuse to be ashamed about.

Can you speak to concerns of abuse or control in BDSM relationships?

One of the most important concepts in BDSM play is “consensual” play – the concept that we are all consenting adults who are fully aware of and responsible for our actions. I personally would never play or scene with someone that I didn’t trust with my life. Giving that sort of power – the power to immobilize me – is not something to be given lightly or without great consideration. If someone was considering playing with BDSM I’d tell them to start light. Find someone you trust. Don’t just meet someone online or head to your local leather club, because you never know when something can go wrong. Make sure your safe word/gesture is communicated clearly and multiple times, and make sure that the person(s) you are scening with will respect those words. If you have a doubt, don’t start. Make sure someone knows where you are and who you’re with.

I’m sure there are couples or individuals out there participating in a BDSM relationship that went sour – has transitioned from play into abuse or was abuse from the start. It makes me sick to think about, honestly. At that point, it’s not BDSM anymore. It’s just abuse. The best advice is to ensure that you trust who you’re with from the start. If things go sour, or you misjudged, get out. There are plenty of domestic violence advocates out there, and yes – that’s what it is if your partner is abusing you during sex. Reach out and get help.

What’s your favorite thing about having a marriage where BDSM play is involved?

I love the opportunity to completely immerse myself in the scene. The chance to be someone that I can’t be during the day. Within the context of the scene there are a lot of things I feel more comfortable saying or doing… things I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing or saying during “vanilla” sex. It’s a chance for release, and a chance to relax, really.

How do you find / make time to do scenes with your husband?

We love to get a hotel room but that’s usually not an option. When we get a home, we plan to have a separate room – locked, possibly hidden – just for scenes, but for now we manage wherever we can, once the kids are safely asleep. That usually means staying up late, but it’s worth it.

You mentioned in your comment on my first post that you would consider bringing people into play. What sort of rules do you think would be important to make something like that a success?

Complete honesty and agreement between the two of us. It would have to be a female, and probably a sub, though we’d consider a Dom. It would have to be someone we know well and trust… I could never grab a stranger from a club or off Craigslist. Most importantly though, I think it would be a long discussion. We’d consider over a few days, if not weeks – not a few hours. We’d likely have a discussion with that third individual to ensure that expectations are managed well and everyone is on the same page. It would be worth the time to prevent any possible negative fallout from assumptions, misplaced emotion or anything else.

If your husband came to you and wanted to open the marriage and play with someone else, would you consider it?

A would likely never come to me with it – it’s not something he’s interested in, and honestly not something I think I’m interested in. We enjoy BDSM together – I don’t trust anyone else enough to play or scene with them, and he doesn’t either. I’m not sure if it’s the stage of our relationship or simply the way our love works, but I don’t think we could do it without jealousy coming into play and souring the experience and likely our marriage.

Do you think there will ever be a time where you’ll grow tired of the BDSM play?

I doubt it. I’ve enjoyed the sensations of BDSM play, the thought of it, since I was about 8. No, I didn’t have a partner or even know what it was – I was a virgin until 19 – but I used to get incredibly squirmy reading Nancy Drew books when she was captured by the bad guys, or those cartoons with the damsel in distress on the train tracks. I knew something was up long before I admitted it to myself.

Do you think that continued BDSM play forces people to further extremes (ie. the more you push boundaries, the more you have to push them for the experience)?

This is a tough question. Personally, I don’t think so. I think your limits – your ultimate limits – are your limits. I don’t consider BDSM a sort of gateway sexual experience that leads to more “depraved” acts or extreme sexual preferences. If you enjoy asphyxiation, I think you’re going to get to it eventually under the right circumstances, no matter what you try first. It’s not a drug, and I don’t think you build up a “tolerance”. We all like to spice things up once in a while – just like any couple. Vanilla sex doesn’t push people to further extremes – so I don’t see why BDSM would either.

I want to give huge props to Cat for willing to talk to us so openly about something so personal. Thank you so much for giving us a glimpse into your life.

You can find Cat on Twitter, and her Mommy Geekology blog

 What a Woman REALLY Wants (Relationship Series: Part 2)

I Will Never Understand My Husband

I am chronically forgetful. Really, it’s become something of a joke around here. I seriously can’t even remember to shut the cupboard door after I go get a glass. Yeah, it’s that bad. It also drives Bil positively insane. Especially as he walks around the kitchen after me closing cupboard doors.

I’ve also been known to call Bil at work sobbing after turning the house upside down because I couldn’t find my truck keys. (He’s since gotten a spare set for the many times when I can’t find mine)

Bil on the other hand, although he thrives on chaos, usually has a good idea of where everything is. He’s not prone to losing things. And if things do go missing, it’s usually because Vista has taken it and walked off with it.

men I Will Never Understand My HusbandSo when he asked me after work today if I had seen his work pants from Friday (his swipe key to get into his building was in the pocket of them), I was surprised. I guess he had looked for them this morning to grab his swipe key, but they were nowhere to be found. So, after dinner, I helped him search… everywhere. We looked under the bed, in our bathroom, in the spare bedroom, in the dirty laundry, in the clean laundry, in the living room. Hell, we even checked the kitchen. No pants. WTF? So I went into the main bathroom (as he uses that one to get ready for work quite often). Nope didn’t see them.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I pulled back the shower curtain on bathtub. Silly I know, because there’s no way they’d be there. Except there they were. In the bathtub. Because really, where else would they be?

Bil launched into a 15 minute explanation of why he had put his work pants in the bathtub. No they weren’t wet, dirty, or otherwise deserving of being in there. I’m still not quite clear on why they were there. Something about not leaving them in the living room. Why they wouldn’t be in the bedroom, I’m not sure, but lets go with that.

True Love

Today was one of those rough mommy days.  Vista was tired (she was up every hour or two last night, and couldn’t or wouldn’t nap today), cranky, and just generally whiny.  Which makes for a tired, cranky, and generally whiny Mom.  Funny how that works.

I deal with a lot of things really well.  Medical stuff, I take in stride.  Developmental delays are no big deal, because they can be worked on.  Cuts, bruises, blood, vomit, seizures… anything like that… I can do with my eyes closed.

But, you give me a whining kid and I will be clawing at the windows trying to escape in 5 seconds flat.  I cannot do whining.  I don’t know what it is about whiny kids that grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard, but I just do not react well.  It is never a good scene.

Enter my darling husband, Bil.  He has this amazing ability to completely tune out the whining and just deal with her.  (which is probably why he deals so well with me… trust me, the whining is an inherited trait for sure)

Luckily today he was able to come home an hour early and they are now playing outside, and apparently laying in the bouncy castle looking at clouds.  How awesome is that.  I’m on strict orders to stay inside, have a drink, and twitter and blog to my hearts content.

It is moments like these when I fall in love with him all over again.  And the days when he brings home a bottle of wine and some fancy truffles… yup, that’s love.

Because sometimes the greatest gift you can give a mother is an hour to herself and a good, stiff, drink.

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