Please Pass The Porn and Xanax

This is the time of the year when you start reading all these posts where people look towards 2011 and go on and on about how they’re going to make it their bitch.


Not so much.

For 2011 I just want to watch more porn and convince my doctor to give me a prescription for Xanax. (I know, you’re shocked I don’t already have one).

The reason for the Xanax (other than to deal with the demon spawn also know as my daughter) is because nothing stresses me out more than the thought of having to set goals for myself. We’re talking full blown hyperventilation.

When I used to be a corporate schmuck, I worked for a company that was all about goal setting. Every year you’d have to lay out, in glorious gory details, all the things you were going to achieve that year. And once your name was signed to it, your whole bonus depended on some bullshit you dreamed up 11 months ago, before the intervening 10 months bitch slapped you into the ground.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I never missed out on a bonus. No. I was a good enough spin doctor that I could make the numbers say whatever I needed them to (which is probably why, these days, I regard 98% of statistics with a healthy dose of skepticism).

So, even though I walked away with my nice little ‘thanks for actually doing your job’ cheque, those goals were the bane of my existence.

I don’t like the idea of living a whole year to one arbitrarily set standard.

Our lives are dynamic, so I’ve never understood the need to hold ourselves to something so static.

And when the end of the year comes, I watch people sit there and beat themselves up over not meeting these random (and in the grand scheme of things, semi-meaningless) goals.

“Oh Em Gee.  I wanted to loose 19.3 lbs and I only lost 18.7 lbs.  I am such a gigantic failure at life”.

Really?  You’re going to base the success of a whole year on what a scale says? *cringe*

Why not look at all the things you accomplished this year?  Did you finally get around to reading that book?  Did you take that course you’ve been promising yourself for 3 years you were going to get around to taking?  Did you simply take the time to sit and play with your kids?  All those are accomplishments worthy of recognition.

So tell me…

What amazing things did YOU accomplish this year?

I Hate It When I’m Wrong

I can admit when I’m wrong. Only because it happens so rarely. I mean, everyone knows I’m like the next Mary Poppins – practically perfect in every way. (Stop snickering or I’ll beat you with my umbrella)

Well, yesterday I was wrong, not once, but twice. I KNOW! Mark the day on your calendar because it will never happen again.

I publicly stated that I was sure that the EEG we had slated for Vista yesterday would come back as normal. Same as the other two had. I mean, for one of those, they had her hooked up for 24 hours and it was perfectly normal. Why would I have any reason to believe they’d see anything different on a half hour EEG? Especially since we weren’t able to get her to sleep during it, like they needed. All that sleep deprivation for nothing.  Can we say cranky? (Me, not her).

But… wait for it….I was wrong. What little bit of the EEG they were able to do came back abnormal, showing spikes of electrical activity coming from the back of her brain.

I’m pretty sure my jaw made a nice clunking sound as it hit the floor when her neurologist told me.

To say I was not expecting that is an understatement.

Which led to being wrong a second time in one day.

I was positive that we’d get the nice shrug from the neurologist accompanied by the words ‘Welllll… we don’t know.  Call us if her seizures get any worse”, as they sent us home again.

I got the first part right.  Does that count?

They used words like ‘odd’ and ‘unique’ to describe V’s seizures.  Yeah, my kid’s all sorts of special.  But I already knew that.

What they think is happening is Vista will have a seizure, which causes loss of speech, motor skills, and behavioral issues.  Then two to four weeks later she’s having another seizure that resets whatever the first seizure did and returns her to back to where she was before the first seizure. Did you follow that?  Let me put it in simple terms.  It’s like flipping a light switch on and off. And on. And off. And on.  And off…and…yeah, well, you get the point.

The problem is, we’re lucky if we see maybe a third of the seizures we think she’s having (which is why it’s taken so long to puzzle this out), because they happen at night, while she’s sleeping.  Which could be why she wakes up in the middle of the night screaming sometimes.  Ever wondered what a banshee sounds like?  Come for a sleepover.

At any rate…

The abnormal EEG combined with the level of regression from her last seizure had her neurologist concerned.  Very concerned.  Concerned enough that, for now, they’ve decided to put her on anti-seizure meds.

Luckily the medication they chose (clobazam) has fairly mild side effect.  Stuff like ataxia, somnolence, diplopia, and dysarthria. Don’t those sound scary? Let me translate: loss of muscle coordination, drowsiness, double vision, and slurred speech. So, in other words, she might act like a teenager on a bender. Yay.

The best part is, they told me this drug is part of the benzodiazepine family. Also know as? Anyone?
That’s right, my two year old is on Valium! I’m thinking we’ll try for Xanax by the time she’s three.

 I Hate It When Im Wrong

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